This past Sunday relief society was about the talk given by Richard G Scott.
It was one of my most favorites this past conference. I’ve blogged previously about it.
The teacher giving the lesson asked questions about marriage and how this talk has effected them... made scripture quotes….then said “I would like to hear from the single women on how /what this talk means to them”
Another sister made a statement that her heart ached for those who are single, struggling, been divorced and have not yet received the blessings of marriage.
I much appreciated her comment.
My heart started racing, as thoughts and feelings started pouring into my head. That feeling you get when fast Sunday comes and you need to bare your testimony. It ran through me like thunder. (This isn’t my ward, I was visiting, and I don’t know any of these sisters) Feeling like the comments I was to make, would be….too personal I hesitated.
Finally, the spirit knocked my arm up.
I don’t remember everything I said. But I do remember shocking myself when I made the statement-
“My heart does not ache for what I went though, I left a bad marriage, and I left abuse and pain. Though, maybe it could have worked..or been “enough” I went to the Savior and pleaded and threw all my needs away and said “ill do what you want me to do” I am grateful for talks like Elder Scotts. To know someday I will have a marriage close to or like his, to know that I went through what I did to be a stronger strength to someone else. My children will benefit from my past, My testimony already has. I know that I will remarry, and I know that I will be better, I already am better, and I want to be a faithful and loving mother in Zion
I’m glad I was able to get that out; because little did I know my comment was helpful to sisters who were struggling with judgment and hardship in their own families. I am grateful I was able to help others- at the same time myself.
My fear about myself though right now is, I have become too forgiving. Too selfless..because I was so fearful that I was selfish in my previous marriage – feeling like I ruined it because I could not see past the hurt, because I reacted to the abusive, became hardened and mean. I was so scared I would stay that way, and once I got into a relationship again it started to take over..I was fearful of being hurt.
The past 6 months has been very happy, and very sad for me all at the same time.
Last night I had a conversation with my roommate and we were discussing the types of people we want to be. The types of women we both strive for.
I don’t want to be that quick tongued girl, the one who makes snide remarks, who is mean and spiteful. But I don’t want to be trampled on.
I want to be happy. I want to look someone else in the eyes and they see me for what I see them as.
I feel like I have been trampled on, I feel like my heart was smashed, and now I’m trying to blow it back up…make everything ok. Faking it until I make it.
Is this really fair though. Am I lying to myself?
We hold onto things in our lives to give it meaning. We hold onto the savior, he’s what builds us. We hold onto past relationships to help us see and know not to..or to do that again.
We hold onto fear so that we don’t step out into something that could be scarier than we experienced.
We hold onto love, because it is the driving force that brings us closer to someone, to the savior, to a family.
I hold on too tightly. I think sometimes, I should let go.
