Want

I want you. But I don't think you want me.
I always seem to be in this position. Wanting something we cannot have.
It is the never ending game I play in my life.
Many of us want things we ultimately cannot have. Like keeping up with the Jone's theory. It can be a rather vicious cycle, or a goal aiming successful idea.
I don't exactly know how it feels to get what i want, when I want it.
This isn't about an expensive pair of shoes that I have to have and will only wear once. This is so much more. I cannot exactly describe it to you. So interpret how you may.

At 1st I didn't want you. I passed you by like you were just another of the same ol'. Then one day, I saw you in a different light. My mind from then wouldn't let you go. I dream about you. I stalk you daily. I think about what my life would be with you in it.
You have no idea.
You cannot even comprehend how badly I want you. I don't understand why I want you so much. I don't know every detail about you. Just the few things that I do know, seem important enough to just fall away and never go back to anything else .
I learn bits and pieces more and more lately, and its like a door opened and it has been exactly what Ive wanted for the past 8 years of my life.

I know you have no idea. I didn't expect this to happen. Like I said, when I 1st got word of who you were, I said no.

To have you all the time, seems like happiness.
This is an unexpected twist.

I swore on everything I own, that I wouldn't do this.
But I cannot resist.
I am sure part of me is just fantasizing about unrealistic hopes and wants.
I feel though, that part of me has a complete understanding that as soon as I get you, I will never let you go.
That scares me.

P.s. None of you will ever guess what I am referring too

Say it outloud

I know most of this blog sounds like whining and complaining. I frankly don’t really care. I write this for me, but allow many to read- those close to me, to get a better understanding of the emotions I am going through. Seems they are mostly negative, and sad. But that’s mostly what I am going through.

2011 is almost here, Everyone makes these new years resolutions. I never did that, but I do have a list of what I want to do this year

Learn Italian

Take a Ballet Class

Jump out of a plane (and use a parachute)

Run a 5k

Save 5,000 $

Go to Hawaii

Play the Piano more

Read more books

Study more

get out of the country again (preferably Italy, Africa, or Spain)

Get really good at Yoga

Put my toes in the sand in California

Visit my family in Arizona and Austin at least once every 2-3 months

Be a better friend

Learn how to be more confident

Read the BOM all the way through

Go to the spa once a month

Cook more (everyday)

Visit NYC by fall

Go horseback riding

Sing in church

Train myself to wake up early

Work out more

Say yes more

Volunteer

Looks like I will busy this year. Make sure if you want to spend time with me, you make an appointment.

The road goes ever on and on

"How do you pick up the threads of an old life? How do you go on, when in your heart, you begin to understand, there is no going back? There are some things that time cannot mend. Some hurts that go too deep…that have taken hold. "


Starting a new year and thinking of how the next one is going to be strikes a certain fear in ones mind. 


I am very optimistic about my future. I have many fears, but I understand my fears. Taking in a deep breath. Filling my soul with the new life. 


Picking up the threads of my past life is not possible. It amazes me the changes I have made, and continually make. 


I cannot take credit for the good things and changes that have happened in my life. I have literally thrown myself to the Lord and told him I will go where you want me to go. I am still uncertain of the places I will be going or where I will end up. But I have ever increasing faith that I will be OK. 


The new road to which I have not yet traveled is scary-exciting.  


How do you pick up the threads of a past life? In my position, you don't. You leave them behind, you do not look back, you only remember what was past. You take new threads and spin them into your new future. It will be hard, take a long time, but once you are done....it will be worth all the fight. 

Terms

Take a deep breath. Don't close your eyes. Don't think.

Remember. Always remember. Don't forget.

Feel the pain. Forget the feel.

Cry. Cry. Cry. Stop.

You are never alone.

Don't forget.

Face the reality. Learn. Move on.

Don't look back, except when needed.

Blessings will come. Patience is key.

Love yourself. Love others. Love.

Come to terms.

The terms are set.

Coketity Coke, In my throat.

If you have never heard that song before, you will have to remind me to sing it to you, or catch me on one of my coke deprived days when the need for a freezing cold cola is the only thing to cure me of my anger, sadness, hunger, thirst, famine, or depressed state I am in.

I have a very deep love for Coke. Or Coca Cola. If you are not a soda drinker, then you wont be able to relate. My obsession of it started around the age of 21. My dearest mother drank diet coke almost every day of her life.  She then started to become delirious and mixed her drinks- OK people, listen to this ( I am not by any means exaggerating) She would pour half a diet coke with half a caffeine free Pepsi, in a large cup packed full of ice. Sounds crazy you say? I looked it up and a lot of people actually do that. So shes not as original as she thinks.

I like to drink my coke with lime..oh so good. I like lemon, but I prefer the lime.

I know most of you are thinking that having an obsession with coke is bad. You are very right.
I watched Oprah last year and she said that women who are between the ages of 23-39 who drink at least one soda a day increase their chance for diabetes by 30%
This scared the crap outta me, I'm sure most of you know, I have a fat tooth- I like all things sugar, fat, cream, sugar, fat, carb loaded foods.
Well, I found a distraction from my obsession.........................Wait for it......................
CLUB SODA, SELTZER WATER, whatever you call it. It works
It only works though, with Lime. I cant drink it straight up. I have to have at the very least lemon in it.

So, all you soda loving lovers out there, I expect a nice gift for curing your addiction

Rent Free

In the long run we inevitably hurt ourselves more than others do. Someone in the past did something that we found hurtful. They did or said something, or failed to do or say something, and we experienced physical or emotional hurt. It’s bound to happen. Each instance of hurt only happened one time in our past, and yet we have the faculty of memory that allows us to recall that incident over and over, and thus hurt ourselves over and over again. That’s how in the long term we can end up hurting ourselves more than the other person did.

Of course we often don’t think of this is as hurting ourselves. We tend to take the mini-dramas that unfold in the mind as being real, and indeed we respond to them as if they were real. When we recall someone saying something cruel to us we feel hurt in much the same way we would if they were here, now, speaking those words.

It’s absurd, really, that we do this — that we keep running through painful scenarios in the filmhouse of the mind. We watch the same movies over and over again, experiencing the same pain over and over again. It’s a form of self-torture.

In fact we often embellish the hurt, imagining whole scenes that never actually happened or imagining that we know the thoughts and motives of another person, as if we were omniscient. Sometimes we even invent scenes that might take place in the future, rehearsing for conflict. These imagined arguments and conflicts may never happen — the future is always uncertain — but we manage to feel the pain of them right now. Self-torture.

I sometimes find myself replaying clashes from the past. Sometimes I think I’m doing it to try to convince myself that I was in the right: “Look how awful he is. Hear the terrible things he says. I’m the injured party. I deserve sympathy.” But when I notice that I’ve slipped into one of these resentment-fests I often try to break out of it by thinking “Who’s arguing with whom?”

It’s obvious when I think about it that I’m arguing with myself. The figure in my imagination who looks like that Fred isn’t really him. It’s not a real person. It’s just neurons firing in my brain, creating a virtual reality representation of Fred through which I can talk to myself. I create a virtual representation of Fred from one set of neurons and one of myself from another set, and the two parts of my brain have a battle with each other.

 Isn’t it crazy!
And yet we do this all the time.

And it’s so hard to let go of our resentments sometimes. We can keep noticing resentful thoughts arising and try to let go of them and we can keep doing this literally for years and the thoughts will still keep emerging.
Ann Landers’ quote  “Hanging onto resentment is letting someone you despise live rent-free in your head.”
This is a good reminder about the ways in which, through resentment, we give space in our minds to people we have conflicts with. Although of course it’s not really them we’re renting space to.

As well as stopping myself short by reminding myself that both parties in these resentments are myself, I’ve found that I need to have empathy for myself.
That, ultimately, is what I think I’m looking for in harboring these resentments. I want sympathy. The drama I’m imagining in my mind is played out for an audience. So who’s the audience? It’s me. But it’s not the same me who’s involved in the argument. That me, remember, is a virtual reality version of myself, conjured up to play a part in a struggle with the virtual Fred. No, I think who I’m looking for sympathy for, ultimately, is my real self. And it’s because I’m not giving myself empathy that I have to play the fantasy over and over again.
So why am I not giving myself empathy? Generally it’s because I’m too busy identifying with the virtual-reality me who’s busy fighting with Fred. I’m too busy taking his part, thinking I’m being attacked by someone else, to realize that both actors in the drama are parts of me.
So what does it mean to give myself empathy? It means that rather than taking the part of the virtual me against the virtual Fred, I need to realize that I am in pain. The whole drama is unfolding because I, for some reason, am in pain. This isn’t the virtual me I’m talking about, but the real me. So I need to empathize with my pain.
First I need to acknowledge the pain and accept that it’s there. That’s often hard to do because we can feel a sense of shame around feeling pain, as if it’s a sign of failure or weakness.
Next I need to accept the pain. Pain is not something “bad” that has to be banished from our experience. Pain is unpleasant, but it’s simply another experience. So we need to allow pain to be there.
Next I need to send metta (lovingkindness) to the pain. I have to love my pain. Loving my pain doesn’t mean that I want more or it. It’s not a masochistic act to love your pain. Rather, it means relating to the part of ourselves that is in pain, not blaming ourselves and not seeing the pain as something to be gotten rid of, but simply offering the hurting part of ourselves our compassion. Sometimes this is wordless, and other times I use phrases from the Metta Bhavana (lovingkindness) meditation practice: “May you be well, may you be happy, may you be free from suffering.”

I find that in doing this I’m addressing the underlying sense of hurt that gives rise to the recurrent resentment. When I wish my pain well in this way I find that there’s a sense of reconciliation and even of relief, because I’ve finally realized exactly what it was I was looking for. When instead of simply appealing for sympathy we actually give it to ourselves we start to become healed. We’ve begun to address the underlying cause of our inner dramas and we realize that we no longer have such a need to rent out space in our head to conflicts.

Don't

Don't call me. Don't write. Don't show up in the middle of the night, you know that we needed some time and space to breathe.
I still recall the words you said to me. It's what you did not say that sets me free. Now how can I find peace of mind when you keep coming back again?
It's not okay for you to play this game of seesaw with my head
Now it hurts too much, and it hits too hard, and I won't play this part.
Don't call me. Don't write. Don't show up in the middle of the night.
So now I say the things I want to say, sometimes it's better letting go this way. I'll always know down in my soul we really had so far to go. I've given all I had to give, and now it's time for me to live, and I won't look back and I won't regret, though hurts like hell, someday I will forget.
It's funny how we seem to end up here. I never thought I'd see this soul disappear.

And this is letting go.

Lip Service

I don't like lip service. We all do it. I don't like it though. I am going to make it an effort to always say what I mean and do what I say.
For those of you who do not know what lip service is lemme explain... Lip Service is an idiom, meaning giving approval, or support...insincerely.

Who wants that...and WHY give it?

I guess its easier to say something, and do the opposite. If that is your real intention..then why waste your precious breath on saying what you don't sincerely mean?

It is better to be thought perverse than insincere. Seriously the most exhausting thing in life is being insincere. Its unnatural.. for most. But when you aren't sincere, how does that make you feel? Well for me.. I hate it..I HATE IT. I can barely deal with it, lying, or fibbing...I am truthful and I would rather be truthful and say things that I mean, or want and get hurt, than to not say or feel what I really do. 

Whatever...

Buddha stated this  "An insincere and evil friend is more to be feared than a wild beast; a wild beast may wound your body, but an evil friend will wound your mind."

Done. 

M.E.

I love sugar.
I day dream about Africa (ever since Ive been 19yrs old Ive wanted to go there)
First time Ive been to the pacific ocean was when I was 23
My 1st real best friend was the exact same size and height of me. We shared everything, even boyfriends..
I think i am a perfect mix of my mom and dad, genetically
I love to drink coke with lemon with lots of ice.
I cant drink things unless they are super cold, hence lots of ice
I sleep sideways (seriously)
I eat like a fat person
I love flowers, especially Peonies
I hate my teeth
I love to pull pranks- 26 and still doing them
When I become a best friend, i become the best one they've ever had
I love to serve
I give before I take
Cooking is a passion of mine ( I love trying new foods)
I love food, all food..especially good food.
My dad will always hold the biggest part of my heart.
My mom is shorter than me and i love it bc im finally taller than someone else in the world
I wouldn't trade my size for any amount of money
Working out makes me happier
I have to have the AC blowing on my face, i hate having a hot face
I take long showers, even when im late
I am a chap stick/lip gloss whore
I sleep with two pillows
I am super organized (almost OCD)
I love movies
I dance all the time
I dont like to cry in front of people (i rarely do it except to a few close people)
I give myself too easily
I dont assume things
I work really hard on everything I do
I love shoes
I cant eat artichokes
I like raw cookie dough (homemade only)
I love the Gospel and the church and the savior and the pres of the church
I have a very special soft spot for Pres. Hinckley
I want a big family and i hope they are loud and obnoxious and funny and smart (like me ;)
I would wreck my car just to avoid hitting an animal (except birds)
I am usually not afraid to look like a fool
I laugh at everything..even when its inappropriate
I am loud - voice and opinion
I am not a morning person
I am a night person. I can stay up way too late
I can be very mean, and very nice
I love to take care of people
I take on others problems too easily
I dont like onions
I will eat frosting until I am about to throw up
I started a food fight my senior year in high school and the football took the blame and all got detention
I've Saran wrapped 5 cars in my life
I've been 6 boys 1st kiss.
I dont remember the name of the boy who gave me my 1st kiss
I want to go sky diving ( and will in about 4 months)
I spoil those I love
I've been a size 6 shoe my whole life, until recently my feet shrunk and now im 5.5
I get really really really unhappy when im beyond starving hungry
I dont like bad drivers..(im one of them)
Some people dont like that im honest with all my feelings..but i dont care
I love doing things by myself, I can drive like 10 hours by myself and have the best time in my life.
I am afraid of the dark and people hiding in the shower
I dont like scary movies
I love romance
I dont like PDA
I burp.. A lot
I love ice
I can get really silly sometimes and its almost obnoxious and its hard to stop it from getting too far
I hate that I cant pee standing up without getting pee on my shoes or pants or legs
I am very crafty and talented
I have an eye for decorating (if the budget is right)
I love kittens
I learned very early in life that those who talk about money dont have it
I love fire places
Hot coco is my favorite with TONS of whipped cream
My favorite memory is when my dad and i were laying in the living room floor talking about life while the fire slowly burned dead (our house in NJ-i was in high school)  (major daddy daughter bonding moment, from then on i always told my dad everything)
To this day I still think my dad is the smartest man on earth
I hate math
I cant sleep with socks on
I am addicted to music
I sing in my car on the top of my lungs
I dance as Im starting to get dressed for the day
I've never seen the sunset or rise
I am a hopeless romantic
I love my lips
I love high heels
I have long eyelashes
I should have been an actress
I love love
I try not to hold back (bad quality)
I hate sorry
I love to play the piano
I cry in the car
I love that music speaks my feelings
I like to be alone, it doesn't scare me
I hate that sometimes i stare at my phone hoping someone calls or texts me (and doesn't)
I want a beach cruiser bike
I love macaroni and cheese
I like coca-cola..A LOT
I am going to Europe in less than a month
I hope to fill an entire passport with stamps (before it expires)
I love the beach
I love the lake
I love the mountains
I hate the desert
I've never kissed in the rain
I wish I had a crystal ball.

That's Life

I think I  was born in the wrong generation sometimes. I think I should have been 26 in 1951. When movies were black and white- and you had to dress up to go to the theater or ride on a plane. When you were actually courted. People had block parties with fireworks and baseball. When music wasn't about big pimpin and Patron. When people danced at the same place that they ate dinner and wore gloves and pearls when they went out. Times "seemed" more innocent back then. The music in the 50's was the best. How can you say you dont like Frank Sinatra, Etta James, Ray Charles,Elvis, and lets not forget Richie Valens (La bamba)
My all time favorite music is and always will be Nat King Cole. His voice is beautiful. His lyrics are simple. I've been listening to his music a lot lately. I close my eyes and envision dancing in the living room with a dapper husband wearing a sweater with a pipe, me in my dress with pearls. Nat reminds me of Christmas as well. He really does have the best Christmas album. I first heard of this very successful artist from my father. I remember being very very young, laying under the Christmas tree staring at the lights with Nat King Cole's The first noel. I remember the smell and even the ornaments. Its such a small, simple memory and I must have been about 6. But i remember that night specifically. Louis Armstrong is great too. His raspy, strong, boastful voice makes you smile with every song you hear. I went to Washington DC last year, when i was in the Smithsonian museum they have all these displays of the "times" starting with the civil war. Once it gets to the 50's my heart tugs at everything. Its right around the time when technology is becoming the way of life- people replacing their radios for TVs, and portable radios. But, Ella Fitzgerald is playing on the radio "the very thought of you" Life was about family, picnics in the park, and family trips in the car to the grand canyon. Television shows were leave it to beaver and I love Lucy. For some reason I just love everything about that time. Maybe its the stories that the music tells, or the seemingly perfect generation the movies display, I don't know what it is.
Jimmy Durante is a great singer as well. "As time goes by" moonlight and love songs..never out of date- Ahh so wonderful.
I am so sick of music today. I go through these spurts like 2x a year. I get fed up with the way the times are now, and wish i could go back in time when ice cream floats and burgers were good. and walking through your neighborhood without mace spray and feeling the warm breeze kiss your cheeks. Having actual trumpets in the music.
Of course there are some negative things about the 50's and women. But overall, and to be honest, I think times were better then than they are now.

This post is a rambling of nothings it seems. But I do want to leave with one of my most favorite songs, its been playing in my mind a lot lately. (if you can guess who its by, I'll give you a present! )

Goodbye, no use leading with our chins
This is where our story ends
Never lovers, ever friends
Goodbye, let our hearts call it a day
But before you walk away
I sincerely want to say
I wish you bluebirds in the spring
To give your heart a song to sing
And then a kiss, but more than this
I wish you love
And in July a lemonade
To cool you in some leafy glade
I wish you health
But more than wealth
I wish you love
My breaking heart and I agree
That you and I could never be
So with my best
My very best
I set you free
I wish you shelter from the storm
A cozy fire to keep you warm
But most of all when snowflakes fall
I wish you love
I wish you love

I wish you love

I wish you love, love, love, love, love

I wish you love



Used to.

I used to love dogs.

I am watching a friends dog. His name is Jack. He farts and breaths heavy ALL the time. When he licks himself it sounds so disgusting I cant help but scream at him. He barks constantly, and he has pooped on the floor 3x since I've been watching him. This morning was a breaking point for me. He will no longer be allowed to occupy the inside of the house. Jack spent the entire day outside yesterday because I had a work event and I knew I wouldn't be home until late that night. When I got home and let him in, he was of course obnoxious and breathing heavy. I locked him outside of my room and when I wake this morning there was a lovely present on the floor. I don't get it. He spent ALL day outside. During that time he couldn't find a nice proper place to poop? He had to wait till 8:34am to take a nice crap on the corner of the rug covering the tile? I quickly grabbed him and reprimanded him by the usual tactics of shoving their face in their own feces. Mean of me you think? Nope. If I pooped on the floor I would expect someone to shove my face and tell me "no! bad girl!" why? you ask? Because you're not supposed to poop on the floor. I grew up with the worlds best dog. His name was Max. He was so tender and nice. Everyone who met him loved him. He never did anything wrong. Except Christmas time he ate all my Hershey kisses and spit the wrappers out- that's how smart he was. So i didn't really get mad at him because he was smart enough not to eat the foil wrappings.

This dog, Jack however is the worst, poorly trained monster dog. He could be smart. I have seen plenty of smart dogs in my life, no matter the breed. So I have given up. Hes been exiled out of the Garden of Eden into the wilderness of the backyard. Judge me. I don't care. hes a DOG. not a human- granted some humans deserve the same treatment I am exemplifying. So now that the dog bug has gotten out of my system. I'm ready for a little kitten. This video shows a great example of why kittens are so great. Look what they do to little girls :)

Enjoy.

Your mind is a cupboard and you stock the shelves

I feel sometimes I suffer needlessly from carrying such large burdens. I try really, really, hard to make sure my heart is open to the healing power of the Lord. The Savior has promised, “I will … ease the burdens which are put upon your shoulders, that … you cannot feel them … ; and this will I do … that ye may know of a surety that I, the Lord God, do visit my people in their afflictions.” I have realized this, and felt this. Sometimes I get wrapped up in my emotions and thoughts. I have been alone a lot more than I anticipated lately, and you can very easily allow your mind to take complete control, thoughts and concerns, lead to tears and mourning. Then I sit there and of course like everyone else in the whole world wonder "why me?" "why couldn't this have been easier?" "why do I feel like such a failure" I am quickly then reminded with an overwhelming feeling of warmth and assurance, that this is just but a small moment that I am stronger than this and meant for more. I LOVE this poem-

Stick to your task ‘til it sticks to you;
Beginners are many, but enders are few.
Honor, power, place and praise
Will always come to the one who stays.
Stick to your task ‘til it sticks to you;
Bend at it, sweat at it, smile at it, too;
For out of the bend and the sweat and the smile
Will come life’s victories after a while.
—Author Unknown

I love the simplicity of it.
I love that it has many meanings- because it can mean something to me..and then something totally different to you. I usually follow through on everything I do. Once I get something in my head I do it, I go after it and achieve it. I love that quality in myself. I am reminded of a quote by Pres. Monson "May I share with you a formula that in my judgment will help you and help me to journey well through mortality... First, fill your mind with truth; second, fill your life with service; and third, fill your heart with love."

I feel the strength given to me by the Lord. I feel the peace of the decisions I am making. And I have more than ever recognized the adversary and his cunning, deceitful, quiet ways of deception. The Savior does not want me to feel sorry for myself, to feel like I will never be worth more to another soul than used product. To feel like if I am a failure. To feel that I am a horrible person. I am none of those.
The bigger issues are fear. I fear that no one will want me. I fear that the next great thing that comes to be, I will ultimately try to destroy and close up because of the incredible fear of getting hurt again. To have to know I will someday bare this burden again brings me to massive tears. I am hopeful I will find someone who can see me. Who can read me and know who or what I am without me saying. I know the Savior will take care of me. And those who are to enter my life for permanence again will understand and feel the truthfulness and righteousness of my decision.
I hope someday I will see what I am worth, and believe it. I am constantly filling my mind with truth, just understanding it and absorbing the actuality of it is the challenge. Filling my heart with love is the easiest part for me. I want to love so badly. I want to fall in love and be in love forever. I am excited to know that someone will be good enough to love me. For now though, I will put all my love and service towards the Lord.
Be of good cheer. The future is as bright as your faith.

Doors.

How comforting it is to know that when one person shuts the door on us, it is only a greater opportunity for us to walk through the door that leads us towards our Father and Savior.

Breathe Again

I wonder when I will breathe again. I feel like its been a long time since I have been able to take a deep breath in, and feel it satisfy my lungs, bring the comfortable oxygen to which my body so badly needs. The oxygen that my mind needs. I obviously breathe, or I wouldn't be here, but in a not literal sense, I'd hope you know what I mean. "Out of breath, I am left hoping someday I'll breathe again."
I find comfort in many small and simple things lately. Like, my ipod. I have an entire play list that is just thunderstorms. I love the sounds of thunder, the cracks, and rumbles. The color of the sky, especially during the day when its dark and almost scary looking. Lately the weather has been exactly that, and I love every minute of it. When the rumble is low and the heat is high you know that there's rain out in the oil black sky. Today I woke up to grey sky's, then by lunch time it was of course sunny..blah! I love when the weather can mimic your mood. I've wanted dark sky's and cold weather now for like 4 months and I got it for only 4 days. It was a beautiful 4 days.

I find comfort in music, like in my last post. I find comfort in sleep. I love the feeling right before you dose off into complete sound sleep..If there was a way to duplicate that feeling unnaturally I would pay for it.

Gum...For some reason lately gum has been what helps me while I am stressed. I have a feeling once this whole ordeal is over I will hate gum. But I eat like 5 pieces a day. The constant popping of bubbles, and cracking them in my mouth..Plus the flavors Ive been eating too. Like wild strawberry + tangy citrus its delicious. The after taste, not so much. (is it bad that i swallow gum, the only kind i swallow is the double bubble yum)

Friends..I've realized through this journey how many great friends I have. They are few, but the relationship has always been there. The understanding and the support. Very comforting. My dearest friend right now, (who's taking me on a wonderful journey) can make me laugh out loud over Instant Messenger. I love her so much. I love even more that we are so alike and I can be soo brutally honest and I know when she says I feel your pain, that she has in fact felt my pain. She has been such a strong support in the midst of my daily routine. She is like my twin I feel. And I will never forget our reunion a couple weeks ago. Being able to just sit with her and feeling like home, and to joke about TTH...hahahaha! But I am very blessed, with great friends. Especially the ones Ive known for 8 years and when i call and say i need help....immediately has my back and is willing to hurt those who have hurt me. Then the friends, who are unexpected- the ones you never thought you would hear their voice, offering support and wisdom while i sob in a Target parking lot. I love friends.

I feel very grateful today. very blessed and very much like I will, one day, breathe again.

Making fortunate discoveries by accident.

Reveal everything there is to know about yourself, and let the chips fall where they may.

Maybe we're lying here because you don't wanna be standing somewhere else.

I I I I I I I I

I'm honest, I think I'm more honest than most people would like. But, I say what I mean and I mean what I say. How in the heck did I end up where i am today? Why...was...I....so...stupid? hmm..while me and my therapist are working on that, lets try to figure this out shall we? I have never pretended to be something I'm not.
I don't like when people lie to me. Especially to my face. I don't like being told one thing, then finding out its the complete opposite.
I don't like being controlled, or manipulated either. yet..I allowed things like this to happen to me. I allowed someone to hurt me, beyond repair it seems sometimes. I allowed someone to hurt me and wreck me and I didn't even notice. I get really angry, like furious, when I remember the past. When I think about situations and that I stayed, or thought I was the reason it happened. I came from a loving family, from such a tender father who i felt so safe with. I rejected all the good guys and went for the bad. Maybe I subconsciously thought i wasn't good enough. When things go bad 2 weeks after the honeymoon..how is it that you can be aware then, but wait three years and snap.. and say that's it I'm done. Then get manipulated and tossed back and forth until you cant even see straight?
What will it take for me to get me back? years and years of therapy- I feel sorry for the poor chap that will ever want to marry me, or for that matter date me.
Im lost, broken, and hurt. I feel i will be this way forever. I am so two sided though- bc the otherside is so knowing of another plan, a more eternal plan. But i feel that if i don't stay angry, and hurt than "he" wins. I hate the feeling of wanting to vomit. I hate it..but i feel it everyday. I want this to be over so badly, to have my name back, to have some part of who i was to be connected to me. Stupid. I was so stupid. I hate myself for falling for what i thought was great. Stupid, for not defending myself. Stupid for allowing what happened, happen. I know I'm smart, i know "shes" in there somewhere, i obviously have something of myself back, because the courage of being able to leave, or let go is much harder than staying.

One day I will be completely fearless. One day I will be able to look fear in the eyes, Ive done it before. i look back on an experience i had recently of feeling so lost, so broken, and literally crying to the lord like i never have before. Hearing "fear not, I created you" I never trust myself. I haven't in a really long time. But i forget why i am here on earth, why Heavenly father allowed me to come here, because he created me, and in a way that i would be part of him and have the ability to trust myself, otherwise what are we doing?? I have learned so much in the past 4 months. I have learned even more in the past 3 years. But it still stings, burns and hurts when i think that another person physically hurt me. more than just once, more than just a few times. and I allowed it. And for that, i wonder...

They'll call me freedom

I hate living in Vegas, mostly the traffic. I work 30 minutes from where i live. I work RIGHT off the strip....I hate the strip, I hate how dirty it is, it actually smells. No exaggeration there. But...yes there is a but...I'm not going to be a negative Nancy. I love listening to music on the way to and from work. Ipods were really a gift from the big guy up top. I looooove being able to have a playlist of random music. I hate radios..HATE!
So this morning on my way to work, with the beautiful sun rising.. I was listening to Men at Work- Down under.. I love that song. I sing it at the top of my lungs. But I also love Dela, I know why the dog howls at the moon...I love weird music (yes I know) Dela reminds me of being in Africa, dancing around with little children. Down under reminds me of my mom, dancing in the car. I have a new fav song, called wavin flags by K'NAAN (say it slow) It was this years world cup soccer theme song. It too reminds me Africa. I want to go to Africa so badly. I research charity organizations all the time where i can go help small communities out there. I will go one day.
But i love music. I love how it can say everything you're feeling at that moment, and bring out feelings you never once knew you had. I used to always think that music was just music and only church music could help you feel the spirit...but that is not true. Rap ain't gonna invite the spirit..but Dela will ;)
I love music.

"I am comforted by the assurance that there will be beautiful music in heaven, and for that I am most grateful." -- President Spencer W. Kimball I love that quote too :) So do as I do, find your favorite song and dance, dance, dance....until you re sweating and your chest hurts ( the song only played 3x before i had to stop, I'm outta shape sheesh!)

Better or Worse?

So we're back here again
Tip toeing round the edge of the end
Wondering who will be last to admit
That we're finally over

Turned twenty one on the day that we met
Terrible shoes and plausible dress
It's funny how sad the funny things get as you grow older

Better or worse
But what else can we do?
And better or worse
I am tethered to you
If it's not either of us
Tell me who are we fooling?

I love the art of biting my tongue
I'm tired of trying to guess what was wrong
Both agreed on where we should go
But not how to get there

We tried and tried to loosen the knots
Thinking once we're untangled we'll be better off
But it's these failures and faults that hold us together

Better or worse
But what else can we do?
And better or worse
I am tethered to you
If it's not either of us
Tell me who are we fooling?

This beautiful tangle that's bruising us blue
It's a beautiful knot that we just can't undo
Together we're one but apart tell me
Who are we fooling?

Cause real love
Is hard love
It's all we have
It's a break-neck
Train wreck
It's all we have

So we're back here again
Turning away from the edge of the end
Arm in arm

Better or worse
But what else can we do?
And better or worse
I am tethered to you
If it's not either of us
Tell me who are we fooling?

This beautiful tangle that's bruising us blue
It's a beautiful knot we just can't undo
If it's not either of us, tell me who are we fooling?

Together we're one, but apart tell me
Who are we fooling?

-Brooke Fraser-

New York State of Mind

I wish I lived in NYC. I was able to visit there in August and it felt like home. I love the smell, sounds, the energy. My trip there was mostly to just get as far away as financially possible with the mom. I wish i was able to enjoy more, but i got a good fill of my city rituals. Shopping, shows, people watching and most importantly..FOOD! Do you ever feel that the life you are living isn't the life you are supposed to be? I feel that a lot lately. I wonder what was really destined for me. If the choices I made were correct- well I know for a fact that some were NOT. Some days I wish so badly that I could look into a crystal ball, and see what would my life be like if i did this..or this..or that. As I walked the streets in NYC I wondered how many of the people who i passed had the same thoughts as me. How many of those people were truly happy? or if they were just born into their lifestyle. You know those music videos where the person is standing still in a midst of people walking by so fast they are just a blur? I didn't feel like that in the city- but I feel like I am one of the people walking so fast that they are a blur, I feel like Ive been going, going, going...and i don't know what I am except a blur.

I could have stayed back east. I wish I had. I went to school hoping to find myself. Be surrounded by those of the same faith. But I ended up being a lemming, only focusing on marriage. Feeling more supreme because I was in "Zion" Truth is, I was better when I was back at home. I had such a strong testimony. I knew who i was. When I moved to Utah I felt I had to live up to "some" standard. I was creative, I was smart, I was me. I feel like when I look in the mirror I don't even know what I see. I don't see me. I see a girl who is so lost. I see a tired, sad face. But I yearn to be happy. I see lost. Have you ever stared in the mirror so long that your face no longer looked like a face, more alien like. I feel like an alien. I feel i am nothing like anyone else. Not that I want to be anyone else. But I am an alien to my own self. I have much hope though. Things work on the Lords time table, not mine. I do know that one day, I will be so happy, and look back on this experience and think, sheesh- that was easy.

Me and my dots

The Websters definition of Dot is :

1. a tiny spot, speck, or mark, esp. one made with or as with a pointed object; as
2. a point used in orthography or punctuation; specif., the mark placed above an i or j in writing or printing
3. Math. a decimal point; also, a point used as a symbol of multiplication
4. Music a point after a note or rest, increasing its time value by one half; also, a point put above or below a note to show that it is staccato
5. any small, round spot: polka dot
6. Telegraphy a short sound or click, as in Morse code

None of these definitions define what I mean when using the term me and my "dots" my definition of dots is when someone says "can you jot that down real quick" well, I have many of times mixed the word jot with dot. So I say "can you dot this down real quick" so that's what I mean when I say Ditters and Dots.
Those of you who do not know what ditters mean, well let me tell you. My sweet mother calls me Ditters, or itty bitty ditters, nick names when I was a child. Want to know the definition of Ditters? :
"1.an evil troll who roams in the ghetto of  galeton and likes to attempt to beat people up, which therefore causes OSS and a bloody nose or 2 4 ditter."
I am an evil troll who roams in the ghetto attempting to beat people up. (thanks mom)

But this kinda makes sense, I am small like a troll, about 5'3 and 100lbs and because I am small i have to be louder than everyone else so that they notice me and by louder I mean I'm mean too.

So my blog will be very mean sometimes because it will be my thoughts and vents and views, and sometimes it will be funny and cute, who knows- all depends on the day I will have.

Enjoy!