Want

I want you. But I don't think you want me.
I always seem to be in this position. Wanting something we cannot have.
It is the never ending game I play in my life.
Many of us want things we ultimately cannot have. Like keeping up with the Jone's theory. It can be a rather vicious cycle, or a goal aiming successful idea.
I don't exactly know how it feels to get what i want, when I want it.
This isn't about an expensive pair of shoes that I have to have and will only wear once. This is so much more. I cannot exactly describe it to you. So interpret how you may.

At 1st I didn't want you. I passed you by like you were just another of the same ol'. Then one day, I saw you in a different light. My mind from then wouldn't let you go. I dream about you. I stalk you daily. I think about what my life would be with you in it.
You have no idea.
You cannot even comprehend how badly I want you. I don't understand why I want you so much. I don't know every detail about you. Just the few things that I do know, seem important enough to just fall away and never go back to anything else .
I learn bits and pieces more and more lately, and its like a door opened and it has been exactly what Ive wanted for the past 8 years of my life.

I know you have no idea. I didn't expect this to happen. Like I said, when I 1st got word of who you were, I said no.

To have you all the time, seems like happiness.
This is an unexpected twist.

I swore on everything I own, that I wouldn't do this.
But I cannot resist.
I am sure part of me is just fantasizing about unrealistic hopes and wants.
I feel though, that part of me has a complete understanding that as soon as I get you, I will never let you go.
That scares me.

P.s. None of you will ever guess what I am referring too

Say it outloud

I know most of this blog sounds like whining and complaining. I frankly don’t really care. I write this for me, but allow many to read- those close to me, to get a better understanding of the emotions I am going through. Seems they are mostly negative, and sad. But that’s mostly what I am going through.

2011 is almost here, Everyone makes these new years resolutions. I never did that, but I do have a list of what I want to do this year

Learn Italian

Take a Ballet Class

Jump out of a plane (and use a parachute)

Run a 5k

Save 5,000 $

Go to Hawaii

Play the Piano more

Read more books

Study more

get out of the country again (preferably Italy, Africa, or Spain)

Get really good at Yoga

Put my toes in the sand in California

Visit my family in Arizona and Austin at least once every 2-3 months

Be a better friend

Learn how to be more confident

Read the BOM all the way through

Go to the spa once a month

Cook more (everyday)

Visit NYC by fall

Go horseback riding

Sing in church

Train myself to wake up early

Work out more

Say yes more

Volunteer

Looks like I will busy this year. Make sure if you want to spend time with me, you make an appointment.

The road goes ever on and on

"How do you pick up the threads of an old life? How do you go on, when in your heart, you begin to understand, there is no going back? There are some things that time cannot mend. Some hurts that go too deep…that have taken hold. "


Starting a new year and thinking of how the next one is going to be strikes a certain fear in ones mind. 


I am very optimistic about my future. I have many fears, but I understand my fears. Taking in a deep breath. Filling my soul with the new life. 


Picking up the threads of my past life is not possible. It amazes me the changes I have made, and continually make. 


I cannot take credit for the good things and changes that have happened in my life. I have literally thrown myself to the Lord and told him I will go where you want me to go. I am still uncertain of the places I will be going or where I will end up. But I have ever increasing faith that I will be OK. 


The new road to which I have not yet traveled is scary-exciting.  


How do you pick up the threads of a past life? In my position, you don't. You leave them behind, you do not look back, you only remember what was past. You take new threads and spin them into your new future. It will be hard, take a long time, but once you are done....it will be worth all the fight. 

Terms

Take a deep breath. Don't close your eyes. Don't think.

Remember. Always remember. Don't forget.

Feel the pain. Forget the feel.

Cry. Cry. Cry. Stop.

You are never alone.

Don't forget.

Face the reality. Learn. Move on.

Don't look back, except when needed.

Blessings will come. Patience is key.

Love yourself. Love others. Love.

Come to terms.

The terms are set.