Tightly

This past Sunday relief society was about the talk given by Richard G Scott.

It was one of my most favorites this past conference. I’ve blogged previously about it.

The teacher giving the lesson asked questions about marriage and how this talk has effected them... made scripture quotes….then said “I would like to hear from the single women on how /what this talk means to them”

Another sister made a statement that her heart ached for those who are single, struggling, been divorced and have not yet received the blessings of marriage.

I much appreciated her comment.

My heart started racing, as thoughts and feelings started pouring into my head. That feeling you get when fast Sunday comes and you need to bare your testimony. It ran through me like thunder. (This isn’t my ward, I was visiting, and I don’t know any of these sisters) Feeling like the comments I was to make, would be….too personal I hesitated.

Finally, the spirit knocked my arm up.

I don’t remember everything I said. But I do remember shocking myself when I made the statement-

“My heart does not ache for what I went though, I left a bad marriage, and I left abuse and pain. Though, maybe it could have worked..or been “enough” I went to the Savior and pleaded and threw all my needs away and said “ill do what you want me to do” I am grateful for talks like Elder Scotts. To know someday I will have a marriage close to or like his, to know that I went through what I did to be a stronger strength to someone else. My children will benefit from my past, My testimony already has. I know that I will remarry, and I know that I will be better, I already am better, and I want to be a faithful and loving mother in Zion.”

I’m glad I was able to get that out; because little did I know my comment was helpful to sisters who were struggling with judgment and hardship in their own families. I am grateful I was able to help others- at the same time myself.

My fear about myself though right now is, I have become too forgiving. Too selfless..because I was so fearful that I was selfish in my previous marriage – feeling like I ruined it because I could not see past the hurt, because I reacted to the abusive, became hardened and mean. I was so scared I would stay that way, and once I got into a relationship again it started to take over..I was fearful of being hurt.

The past 6 months has been very happy, and very sad for me all at the same time.

Last night I had a conversation with my roommate and we were discussing the types of people we want to be. The types of women we both strive for.

I don’t want to be that quick tongued girl, the one who makes snide remarks, who is mean and spiteful. But I don’t want to be trampled on.

I want to be happy. I want to look someone else in the eyes and they see me for what I see them as.

I feel like I have been trampled on, I feel like my heart was smashed, and now I’m trying to blow it back up…make everything ok. Faking it until I make it.

Is this really fair though. Am I lying to myself?

We hold onto things in our lives to give it meaning. We hold onto the savior, he’s what builds us. We hold onto past relationships to help us see and know not to..or to do that again.

We hold onto fear so that we don’t step out into something that could be scarier than we experienced.

We hold onto love, because it is the driving force that brings us closer to someone, to the savior, to a family.

I hold on too tightly. I think sometimes, I should let go.

Cursive

My thoughts are very scattered right now. Sunday was a great day for me. I felt the spirit strong. I felt the peace about a concern of mine, and this talk ran through my mind.

I absolutely love this talk. I makes me hopeful, it makes my grateful of the experiences I have been through in my life. I am optimistic despite my downfalls and trials I continue to go through.

"How Do I Love Thee?"

http://speeches.byu.edu/reader/reader.php?id=1618

There is the talk there, but here is my favorites

"Like ships, people have differing capacities at different times and even different days in their lives. In our relationships we need to establish our own Plimsoll marks and help identify them in the lives of those we love. Together we need to monitor the load levels and be helpful in shedding or at least readjusting some cargo if we see our sweetheart is sinking. Then, when the ship of love is stabilized, we can evaluate long-term what has to continue, what can be put off until another time, and what can be put off permanently. Friends, sweethearts, and spouses need to be able to monitor each other's stress and recognize the different tides and seasons of life. We owe it to each other to declare some limits and then help jettison some things if emotional health and the strength of loving relationships are at risk. Remember, pure love "beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things," and helps loved ones do the same."

I am keeping in my mind the cursive writings of my CTR ring- trying my hardest to choose the right. Always- in everything, life is hard, and Satan is on the prowl, but our love for the Savior will bring us the love we need to find our eternal companion. I am sure of it!

"A new commandment I give unto you, That ye love one another; as I have loved you" (John 13:34; emphasis added). Of course such Christlike staying power in romance and marriage requires more than any of us really have. It requires something more, an endowment from heaven. Remember Mormon's promise: that such love--the love we each yearn for and cling to--is "bestowed" upon "true followers of Christ." You want capability, safety, and security in dating and romance, in married life and eternity? Be a true disciple of Jesus. Be a genuine, committed, word-and-deed Latter-day Saint. Believe that your faith has everything to do with your romance, because it does."

- A

Just cause

They were $6.00- They will last me a lifetime, and I wanted to look like a 1950's receptionist at this awesome party I went to on Saturday Night.



Friends

I love my friends. I have friends all over the place, and world even! How cool is that!?

I have friends in other countries... that brings a smile to my face.

I was thinking today, how would I get through all the many things that I have gone through without friends?

I've made some new ones recently.

Don't you love when you make a new friend, and you know immediately that you  are going to be friends for a very long time..maybe even eternity?

I love my friends. They are mostly girls right now. I used to only have like 1 or 2 girlfriends- the rest were men. I felt that I got along better with men.

Well, that always gets complicated- feelings get involved..or you kiss them..ugh- complications galore!

Anyways. I love you friends. Dearly. I love you. I owe you so much. For the endless times calling crying, laughing, venting, screaming, or just calling because I have nothing to say, but I need someone.

I am going to be a better friend to those who have to me.. or need one. That's my new goal.
I realize that I can be very selfish sometimes.
Despair and sorrow will do that.

Love you.

Love,
Your friend.

Tennis Elbow

I started tennis on Monday.

Quite embarassing.

I played with friends growing up. but never professional..never got that far.

So, I quite enjoy it. A lot actually.

My arm is so sore!

My goal is to get really good, and play against little girls and beat them.

( I say little girls, bc I probably wont be good enough to beat big girls)

LDS Genral Conference

This past weekend was General Conference.

It truly is one of my most favorite times of the year, each year it comes around right when the seasons change, from winter to spring, then summer to fall.
Its a special treat to hear the words that you pretty much already know - in a different voice, meaning  and then get to internalize it differently than you had previously. (like if you read it, heard it in church, or something of that sort )
Conference is usually the same principals.
-The church is true
-Focus on family
-Service towards others
-Be true disciple of the Gospel
-Missionary work
-Temple work
-Honoring your purpose in life

This conference wasn't exactly what I expected. Last minute I ran out of town and escaped to beautiful Utah. (sarcasm)
The last minute stress of leaving town, dealing emotionally with whatever I had on my plate. Seeing old friends, making time for others...I was fearful I wouldn't get what I needed.

Lucky for me. (seriously)

I had a very spiritual experience on Sunday. Quietly in my dearest friends room as we sat and watched on the laptop cuddled in bed. I got and heard exactly what my little heart needed.

Even during the sessions, instead of putting on a movie, getting distracted by TV, or doing things that don't keep the spirit, we were able to sit and share experiences and letters which helped my soul. The spirit of conference lived, and stayed with me. It didn't leave, and it didn't take for conference and the sweet music to bring it back, it just amplified the feeling even more.

Tears were shed and a light was made in my head.

My most favorite talk was by Richard G Scott.
It struck a certain chord with me. I hope one day that I have a sweet husband that can speak of me like that when I am passed.
I realized very quickly, that no matter the guy I end up marrying, no matter how wonderful a man, in order for those words to be spoken I need to reflect on exactly how I am acting, speaking, and overall being.

I have been through so much in the past. I have a HUGE wall that keeps me nasty, spiteful, harsh, loud and our right obnoxious at times. I want to rid of that completely.

I know that I am very tender, sweet, and  really i am just a ball of slobbery sadness. I act tough, but I very easily get my feelings hurt, then I get mean, because I allowed myself to get hurt and those feelings and insecurities creep in.

I have been very emotional lately...its pretty obvious in my previous posts. I had a phone conversation with my mother today. She said some words that I straight up needed to hear. I got emotionally slapped...it still stings.
As much as I want to think that I am "all that" I'm not.

Like Elder Scott's wife, he couldn't think of one negative thing to say to her. I am pretty positive that anyone can think of something negative to say about me...its true. I don't want to be that snide, too sassy, offensive girl.

Since Sunday, i have heavily thought about this, because I came to this realization..I am 3x more emotional than normal. I feel like there is something wrong with me, like I ate something that makes my eyes tear constantly.

When your heart is sad, when heartache is noticed (not just from a boy) you always turn to the Lord.
Several speakers spoke of turning trials into forces that allow you to draw closer to the Lord, strengthen you and give you the ability to grow spiritually, so you can keep aiming to be the strongest spiritual warrior.

I've decided to change a lot of things in my life to better myself. I wasn'tdoing anything really that needed to be cut, like bad movies, music, or TV ( i don't even watch TV)

I am changing my daily habits, 1st thing when i get to work i get on LDS.org and read a chapter out of the BOM.  I need to do that at home more, really ponder and study the scriptures.
I need to journal a lot more. I only do it when I am sad. Who wants to read a bunch of sad sappy entries? not me! Tell me the good stuff!
My language, I replace words with other words and justify it, if you have to justify anything- then its probably wrong.
I need to do more service. I used to do so much when I lived in Texas- always helping, serving and wholeheartedly giving everything i had (mainly bc i was so unhappy and trying to avoid my real life)
I need to pray a LOT more, not just before bed and when I wake up.
More temple work. A couple months ago I talked to a sister about being a temple worker, I need to follow through on that.
Maintain my own personal hobbies. I started by joining a tennis club (go me) I am bad at it, always thought the little skirts were so cute and I think its a good lasting hobby..I hate running, and the gym gets boring.
Spend more quality time, with quality people. I don't associate with those who are bad influences, but I need to open myself more to those who I can better serve, and those who can better serve me.

.....I'm exhausted. But....I want to be happy, and want people to see the light in me that I think I have. I want to be like Richard G. Scott's wife, the sweet tender little woman who could probably do nothing wrong. I want to be a wonderful daughter of God.

Crush

“To love at all is to be vulnerable.

Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken.

If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket- safe, dark, motionless, airless--it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable.”

c.s. lewis

"I felt it in my bones.

the same bones that are crushing my chest every morning.

i know this will not last forever.

i know i will move on.

i will be ok.

time is a healer.

i have said the same things to my heartsick friends.

but even that makes me sad because that means i will have forgotten.

and right now i don't ever want to forget what this love felt like....

while it lasted.

even if it crushes me"

Couldn't have said it better.
I feel that crush, that wakes you up in the middle of the night, feels like an elephant is sitting on your chest.
I like, a crushed soda can, will eventually mold back into shape..just waiting, and slowly working on the kinks, trying not to cut my fingers on the sharp edges.
-A

Happy Sunday

"Charity is a legacy passed from heart to heart. . . "
President Eyring said, “I wrote down a few lines every day for years. I never missed a day no matter how tired I was or how early I would have to start the next day.
Before I would write, I would ponder this question: “Have I seen the hand of God reaching out to touch us or our children or our family today?”
As I kept at it, something began to happen. As I would cast my mind over the day, I would see evidence of what God had done for one of us that I had not recognized in the busy moments of the day.
As that happened, and it happened often, I realized that trying to remember had allowed God to show me what He had done.
More than gratitude began to grow in my heart. Testimony grew.
I became ever more certain that our Heavenly Father hears and answers prayers. I felt more gratitude for the softening and refining that come because of the Atonement of the Savior Jesus Christ.
And I grew more confident that the Holy Ghost can bring all things to our remembrance—even things we did not notice or pay attention to when they happened. . . . My point is to urge you to find ways to recognize and remember God’s kindness.
It will build our testimonies. . . . Tonight, and tomorrow night, you might pray and ponder, asking the questions: Did God send a message that was just for me? Did I see His hand in my life or the lives of my children? I will do that. And then I will find a way to preserve that memory for the day that I, and those that I love, will need to remember how much God loves us and how much we need Him. I testify that He loves us and blesses us, more than most of us have yet recognized. I know that is true, and it brings me joy to remember Him.”

{Ensign, November 2007}

what do you do when you have the reds AND the blues?

Holly Golightly:

You know those days when you get the mean reds?

Paul Varjak:

The mean reds, you mean like the blues?

Holly Golightly:

No. The blues are because you're getting fat and maybe it's been raining too long, you're just sad that's all. The mean reds are horrible. Suddenly you're afraid and you don't know what you're afraid of. Do you ever get that feeling?

Paul Varjak:

Sure.

Holly Golightly:

Well, when I get it the only thing that does any good is to jump in a cab and go to Tiffany's. Calms me down right away. The quietness and the proud look of it; nothing very bad could happen to you there. If I could find a real-life place that'd make me feel like Tiffany's, then - then I'd buy some furniture and give the cat a name!

BlogSpot Light

My Dearest friend KC wrote this post- we share a lot back and forth and it was exactly what I needed this morning.  All you lizadies that are reading this, please edify your soul with this,

Korby Charles Nordfors

The Lord's precious daughters

Over the past year or so I have vicariously experienced so much heartache and frustration and sadness through the eyes of a woman, it completely saddens me. It makes me upset and depressed and ashamed to be a man. The male gender is truly a very carnal, selfish, and barbaric race. For the most part, we live with no heart, no love, no compassion, and no sacrifice. We are judgmental and hypocritical. We expect our women to be these perfectly beautified slaves to our ego and manliness. It's wrong, it's so terribly wrong.

I know there are some great men out there, but they are rare and getting harder to find as our society churns an abundance amount of evil and hate through all walks of life. The great men are men who are obedient to the Lord's commandments, respect and maintain worthiness to bear the priesthood, and who are humble and submissive to the Lord's will. Through doing these things, carnal man are able to learn compassion and act selflessly in the service of all those around him.

But we are so weak. I could share countless examples of precious daughters of our Heavenly Father who have had broken hearts and hopes destroyed because of the weakness of one man. God's daughter's are naturally endowed with the compassion that males generally lack. Females are naturally selfless and extremely giving of their time and talents for the benefit of another. Women are also easier able to overlook faults, and learn to love someone for who they truly are inside, and not necessarily how they act on the outside. That's why so often girls allow boys to walk all over them, giving them second, third, fourth chances to be forgiven. Girls are by nature sweet and innocent and supremely kind, so much so that they are too often taken advantage of for their goodness. But rarely do these beautiful daughters of God become embittered or jaded. They hurt, they suffer, then they gain courage and get back up to face the harsh realities of the world with bright optimism and a huge hope. Only to be dashed into pieces once again by a stupid boy.

Stupid boy, I'm the same old, same old, same old stupid boy. Not only is this a great song by Keith Urban, but unfortunately it rings true with me and many of the ex's of my close female friends. I cannot even tell you how many times I have sat in conversation with a wonderful young woman discussing her heartache that has come because of a sorry excuse for a man. I, yes. I am to blame as well. I am a stupid boy, and hope to God that I can overcome my weaknesses in order to be able to love a woman with my whole heart and my whole soul! I want nothing more than to give my entire life to a worthy daughter of God. I am just lost and confused and very, very weak. I struggle. I know we all struggle. But why must the Lord's precious daughters be put through so much pain and agony and suffering because of the faults and weaknesses of us stupid boys?

I pray for compassion like my dear female friends who do so much for us. I pray for empathy, that I might be a better comforter. I pray for charity, that I might give up my life for the welfare of a beautiful woman. I pray for patience, understanding, selflessness, and mercy. I pray for a stronger desire to serve and to love. I pray for humility. I pray for hope. For without these attributes, I am nothing

 

I dont know.

I have always been amazed of what we know for surety in our lifetimes. When I was 14 and went to my 1st youth conference I very clearly was impressed with how much knowledge the youth have. To be able to walk up to the pulpit and say " I KNOW....." How many people outside of the church don't have an idea of what they really know? Especially when it comes to faith.
I always love testimony meetings, I listen carefully to how many times people say they "know" "believe" "faith"

Such a comfort to "know" where you are going, what you want, what you need, how to get it..etc.

One of the greatest blessings from being a member of this wonderful church is the ability to testify what you do know, to help others allow to feel your spirit and testimony. Its my favorite.

This post isn't exactly about testimony's and the knowledge we gain from being in this dispensation of the Gospel.

The post is more of an awakening I had to have.

When you don't know something isn't that a sure hint that its something you don't want or need?
When I am usually unsure, don't have the knowledge enough to know that I really want it, 9-10 I don't need or want it.
I have the great ability to make up my mind. I am full of assurance. I find it one of my most greatest qualities. I don't dilly-dally. When I am unhappy (whether it takes me 3 years or 3 minutes to figure it out) I fix it. I make happy. If I want something fixed, I fix it. When I want to be with someone, I make effort to be with them.
My heart is hurt right now. I didn't think I would be this vulnerable.
I always feel I am strong. I underestimated my strength a while back, and I keep finding more. I always do things on my own and don't ask for help...why? " cause I'm strong and can handle anything"

When I want the help, when I think "OK, ill expose this weakness, and then Ill get the help i need right"
Not this time.

I have this mask that I put on until the hurt is gone, and then I'm over it. It covers my real emotions, helps me logically deal with the drama, the hurt, the inevitable.
But this time, I cant find the mask. And I am exposed, the tears fell, the disappointment came out. Only 3 people have seen this. I lost the mask- it pissed me off. I remember the last place I put it and now I cant find it when I need it the most.
Its not that serious- so its not like I'm masking when I really don't need to....

I know what I want. That part is the easiest. The hardest part is finding someone just as sure as me. Willing to hold my hand and walk with me while I walk with them and we help each other, my weakness is your strength and your weakness is my strength.

Lightning struck, like never before- and I dove with my eyes closed, I saw all the good that was on my list- I dreamt about you, I pushed my fears away earlier than I should. I didn't play the game, I just went. I connected exactly how I hoped one day I would be able to with someone.

Now I'm back to the corner, and now its done. I'm gone.

You don't know, but I do.

That's the saddest part.


"Anger will eat at the most tender parts of your heart and make you feel hard-hearted, bitter, and jaded. A hard heart cannot feel the gentle touch of the Holy Ghost. A bitter heart cannot taste the sweetness of forgiveness. A jaded heart cannot believe in Christ’s power to heal all wounds, He can and He will heal your broken heart, you just have to let him.”


I know that you don't want me. I know that you don't need me. I know that you don't know a lot that I thought you would at this point. I know that I can handle a lot more than you think. I know that I am strong. I know that I am independent. I know that I am faithful. I know that I have many weaknesses. I know that someone will love me for all of me, and see what I have to offer. I know that.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N-iOcKaSeFo

Scrumdiddlyumptious

Grocery shopping is part of our regular activities. You can’t make food unless you have a pantry full of good food.
Think about what type of grocery shopper you are?
Some people are bargain shoppers, only buying things on sale and using coupons. The thrill of being able to buy the most for the least.
Others buy in bulk, buying large quantities at one time and only needing little bits here and there so the opportunity to shop is less needed. Others just grab and go, not paying attention to price, quality, or quantity.
I am sure there are some that are a good mix of all of these. I typically do not look at prices, but if there is a great sale, trust me I am going to take advantage. But I know what’s good, what’s bad.. so I shop based on quality. What’s most needed and what will make my meals taste most like perfection. I usually am only buying produce and things that are consumed immediately, so regardless of the price..its needed..RIGHT then ;)

SO, when it comes to dating, and having that mindset of choosing your eternal companion, how do you shop?

My personal grocery shopping habits and dating habits are kind of similar from the analogy standpoint.
The level of what I expect from my groceries based on what I paid and what the end result is to be is the same when it comes to dating.
If you want a really good steak, you aren’t going to buy beef from Wal-mart. I buy from the butcher and don’t mind paying $3 lbs compared to $1 lbs. I want my steak to taste good, be of good quality.
When you decide to date someone, you don’t go looking in the bar, or clubs. You go to church, YSA activities, use your friends. Even though its easier to meet someone at a club, bar, or work setting..you’re not getting what you are looking for.. from a LDS standpoint.

I learned hard lessons when it comes to buying different brands of food at the stores. Like when you buy the cheap brand of popcorn and it burns after a minute in the microwave.
Your expectations of the product from the start are high.
How can popcorn go wrong..no matter the brand?
But this one did..two times I tried it to see if it would be better.
How many times did you expect someone to be great with little knowledge?
"How could this person not be" and once you try them out… horrible, horrendous. That nasty burning smell that lingers everywhere and you wish you never "put them in the microwave"
(Bare with me people. I’m using A LOT of analogies)
You think, well maybe it was just a bad day, a bad batch... then you try again......Yep still burned, even put it in less time in the microwave, same result.

Wise shoppers study their options thoroughly before making a decision.
In my case, I bought two different brands; one was as always expected, great, delicious, no complaints. The other was bad news as soon as the box was opened.

I wanted to take a risk, try something new. But I needed to focus primarily on the quality and durability of the desired product. I want the very best. Sometimes the very best isn’t the most expensive brand either. The very best brand in my case was the Smiths Kroger brand.
My risky choice did not endure well.

Dating and picking your eternal companion is and always should be studied and looked at from all angles.
Is the cost of this worth the value? Is this ingredient what’s needed for the recipe? How soon does the product expire after opening? Will this product mix well with the others in my recipe or will it only sour it? Is this good for my health?

Sometimes, people make the ultimate choice and buy THE product.
They hope and expect that it will work despite the dent in the can or the brand not being the best.
But sometimes you can replace butter for olive oil, or sugar for applesauce. It’s worked before, and when you made your brownies and no one noticed there was no sugar in the recipe, you’ve succeeded.

But, sadly you cannot replace tomatoes for cherries, or cheese for flour. The recipe calls for milk, but using water only cheapens and thins it out and the whole meal is lost.
If the mistake was made, and the recipe failed because of the wrong grocery item, or a bad brand you have options to fix it. The best news is that you can go to the store and either return the item for a new or better one.
If the one you want is really expensive, I am sure if you wait long enough it will go on sale, or you can find a coupon…or…save $$ until you can afford it.

Celestial marriage is the most important goal we need to reach for. Once you have made that, the blessings and knowledge of what you and your eternal companion need to do next is easy and clear.

President Monson said "To find real happiness, we must seek for it in a focus outside ourselves. No one has learned the meaning of living until he has surrendered his ego to the service of his fellow man. Service to others is akin to duty-the fulfillment of which joy brings"

I know that harmony in marriage can only be found when one esteems the welfare of the spouse as the highest priorities. But that has to go both ways. Understanding the needs of each other is the key.

God’s plan of happiness allows us to choose for ourselves. Like the patterns of the many different types of shoppers out there, we can choose celestial marriage or lesser alternative. Some marital options are cheap, and some are costly, and some are cunningly crafted by Satan. He wants to breed misery.
Be very aware of that. If you are not happy while you are dating, what make you think you will be happy married? 
If you arent enjoying your meal because it tates gross, what makes you think it has nothing to do with the products purchased?

“One good yardstick as to whether a person might be the right one for you is this: in her presence, do you think your noblest thoughts, do you aspire to your finest deeds, do you wish you were better than you are?”  Ezra Taft Benson

When you go “grocery shopping” do you buy the cheapest food, just to save a few dollars? Do you buy the best so that your body is fed the finest qualities? Does the food make you healthier? Are you using what you are buying?

Remember to shop wisely and for the better good. To shop for the things that are able to sustain you, feed your soul, make good meals and are able to help create new everlasting recipes :)

Yummy Marriage Recipe

4 cups of love
2 cups of loyalty
3 cups of forgiveness
1 cup of friendship

5 spoons of hope
2 spoons of tenderness
4 quarts of faith
1 barrel of laughter

Take love and loyalty, mix it thoroughly with faith. Blend in tenderness, kindness and hope. Sprinkle abundantly with laughter. Bake with sunshine. Serve daily in generous helpings.

Beautiful Spirit

I came across this scripture: 2Nephi 13:16-25

“Because the daughters of Zion are haughty, and walk with stretched-forth necks and wanton eyes, walking and mincing as they go and making a tinkling with their feet- Therefore the Lord will smite with a scab the crown of the head of the daughters of Zion, and the Lord will discover their secret parts.”

The daughters of Zion are cursed and tormented for their worldliness

This stuck out to me because of a blog post I made a while ago.. A revelation I had one Sunday during Sacrament about a year ago.

I have to wrack my brain because I deleted that blog and it was a great post.

It isn’t hard for most people in life to get “caught” up in the temporal joys of life. We are taught not to have any other Gods..yet- we all do it..in small ways. Like making you’re career more important than Heavenly Father, or your lifestyle, money, hobbies, sports etc. Not to say that anyone who does this is a bad person..we are the natural man. We will all do this to an extent probably several times for a short instance throughout our lives.

That Sunday, I sat in sacrament thinking of myself. How I was progressing. I remember being frustrated. Wanting a lot more. My marriage at the time had barely any spiritual or physical progression. My testimony was still strong. It always has been. But I was left feeling like I hadn’t accomplished much. When you get married you have this wonderful encompassing thought that your life is going to skyrocket spiritually, emotionally, and what not. You found your eternal companion, things are going to be easier. There are two of you now. There is someone to lean on when you feel a little weak, or self trodden. You have that eternal perspective in all things.

For me, I got very little of this. I felt a lot of the times I had to pull the weight. Be the constant reminder. Want more to gain a little. It was very frustrating.

As I sat  I thought.. "what does my spirit look like?"

It’s a weird thought to have.

When I look in the mirror I can see how well I take care of myself physically. My hair is done, I have nice expensive makeup, really nice clothes, top of line shoes ;) I use the best skin care products, and the BEST cosmetics. I work out regularly. I keep my skin balanced and moisturized..I can go on and on with how much effort I put into my appearance so that I am appealing to those around me.

So, I am wondering, how much effort do I put into my spirit being.

If I had to look at her in the mirror, would her hair be dry and brittle, with dry flaky skin, pudgy and soft because lack of exercise? Sad and miserable looking?

Sadly at the time. It was probably exactly that description.

I don’t want to be looked at as haughty and stretched forth. I want my physical appearance to match my spiritual appearance.

I started to read the Book of Mormon again.. all the way through is my goal. I forgot how great it feels to read it. Its like you cant stop, you want to keep going and going until all the stories are finished.

I want to be spiritually fed everyday again. Not just once a week from church.

Do we respond to His beckoning call to serve and be fed at His hand?

Our spiritual progression in life is the most important.

Not getting the nicest jeans, or the perfect hair color. But gaining a knowledge of the gospel which can help you in the life hereafter to continue to do the Lords work.

Temporal mindset can be like poison. It is fun, and easy, and of the moment. We often lack the eternal prospective of things. Our society makes everything accessible “right now” Its getting much worse too.

I fear for the lessons I will have to learn in order to teach my children of the importance of having an eternal prospective.

“Seek not for riches but for wisdom, and behold, the mysteries of God shall be unfolded unto you, and then shall you be made rich. Behold, he that hath eternal life is rich.” (D&C 6:7.)

I know personally I face challenges of being able to develop sufficient wisdom. That understanding and inner strength so that I can live happily and successful in such a world where I don’t get mixed up with worldly treasures.

I don’t think today my spiritual image is as bad as I think it is. Though she probably needs her hair done and a manicure. She’s on the right path.

I went through so much personal reflection with the Divorce. Learning how to control the anger. The hatred that Satan so badly wanted me to hold on to. The poisonous drag of contention. It was really hard. I know that I held strong to the Savior. It was my only hope.
One day I will teach my children of the lessons I learned. How amazingly possible all things are with the knowledge of the gospel and the power of the priesthood.

I try to make sure that I don’t get too caught up in the worldly treasures. Most girls cant help it though, we are like crows and flock to anything sparkly. Just as long as our entire nest isn’t filled with sparkles and shiny things… we should be alright.

The church is true, and cool. I love it, and always will.

I am always reminded how much I am not effected by the worlds “view” on our church. My patriarchal blessing says  “there are many who speak against the church, many who will try to drive you away, but you will not be effected by this, for you know the truthfulness and love of the church” –eh something like that.

Keep it simple. Love the gospel..always!

And don’t let your spirit get ugly.

OrGaNiZeD

I am overly organized. Most people who know me personally, are very aware of this wonderful flaw.
I do have my moments of chaos. Its rare, and usually is in my room or car.
But over all I organize everything. The way my clothes and shoes are, to how the papers on my desk are arranged
More importantly my thoughts.
Have you ever had a mind full of un-organized thoughts?
Some that need to be stored away high in a box where you can go back to it randomly and slowly work it down to where it no longer exists. Some that are so stupid you put in the garbage can within seconds.
Then the thoughts in the foremost of your brain that clutter everything up and need to be taken care of right away but you know will take time....
Thoughts can be very destructive. Your mind can derail you from exploring the actual possibility of purpose.
I visualize the thoughts in my head like one of those old school shoe organizers with all the small boxes that fit the shoes if they are stacked.. like the pic below.
The thoughts are all scattered on the floor.. the most important ones that get most attention and figured out get put away in the top and then continue from there.
Feelings are the hardest thoughts. Trying to separate what you feel, and what you think you feel, and what your thoughts make your feel.
Very confusing
There are some thoughts that no matter how many times you clean it up and put it away, it falls out of place and scatters its self all along the floor. Stumbling across it and tripping, getting frustrated “I just cleaned this place up, how is it a mess again?”
If I had a mental vacuum and could just suck all the mess away and never have to “think” about it again would be just great.
Sadly I have to pick up everything one at a time. Put it where it belongs, and move on to the next one that comes…
Clear your head, clean it up, and make room for the best and most important thoughts

Beauty Queen

How damaged am I? I never thought I was damaged goods.

I felt I was supremely strong, going through what I have gone through, and coming out on top.

I had a break down last night. Feeling and making sense of something that seemed completely insignificant. Something that I have never put thought into. But when the realization came, complete sense was made.

My image of myself I know has always been a little skewed. Not to blame anyone in particular, but you probably know why.

Feeling like I always have to look like a beauty queen, never without makeup, never without 2 hours worth of work in order to look socially acceptable.

I am pretty messed up. I don’t like it. I don’t like feeling the way I do about myself sometimes. I don’t like what I see when I look in the mirror. I don’t like that I was tore to shreds about my physical appearance for as long as I did. I don’t like even more that I believed it.

I thought I was really strong. I thought I was smarter. I feel brainwashed. But I have a lot of blame in it to. I didn’t stand up for myself. I tried to appease, and ended up still losing. 

I want someone to love me. I want someone to care for me. Not my hair, or shoes, or made up face. I want to not feel insecure when I don’t have makeup on. I want to feel confident when I am wearing sweats, and messed up hair. I want to love myself even more though.

The most important thing of all of this is, I know Heavenly Father loves me for me, no makeup, high heels, or big hair. That is probably why I am not an emotional basket case. His opinion matters most to me. As long as I hold strong to that, I’m sure I’ll make it out on top….Right? J