Friends

I love my friends. I have friends all over the place, and world even! How cool is that!?

I have friends in other countries... that brings a smile to my face.

I was thinking today, how would I get through all the many things that I have gone through without friends?

I've made some new ones recently.

Don't you love when you make a new friend, and you know immediately that you  are going to be friends for a very long time..maybe even eternity?

I love my friends. They are mostly girls right now. I used to only have like 1 or 2 girlfriends- the rest were men. I felt that I got along better with men.

Well, that always gets complicated- feelings get involved..or you kiss them..ugh- complications galore!

Anyways. I love you friends. Dearly. I love you. I owe you so much. For the endless times calling crying, laughing, venting, screaming, or just calling because I have nothing to say, but I need someone.

I am going to be a better friend to those who have to me.. or need one. That's my new goal.
I realize that I can be very selfish sometimes.
Despair and sorrow will do that.

Love you.

Love,
Your friend.

Tennis Elbow

I started tennis on Monday.

Quite embarassing.

I played with friends growing up. but never professional..never got that far.

So, I quite enjoy it. A lot actually.

My arm is so sore!

My goal is to get really good, and play against little girls and beat them.

( I say little girls, bc I probably wont be good enough to beat big girls)

LDS Genral Conference

This past weekend was General Conference.

It truly is one of my most favorite times of the year, each year it comes around right when the seasons change, from winter to spring, then summer to fall.
Its a special treat to hear the words that you pretty much already know - in a different voice, meaning  and then get to internalize it differently than you had previously. (like if you read it, heard it in church, or something of that sort )
Conference is usually the same principals.
-The church is true
-Focus on family
-Service towards others
-Be true disciple of the Gospel
-Missionary work
-Temple work
-Honoring your purpose in life

This conference wasn't exactly what I expected. Last minute I ran out of town and escaped to beautiful Utah. (sarcasm)
The last minute stress of leaving town, dealing emotionally with whatever I had on my plate. Seeing old friends, making time for others...I was fearful I wouldn't get what I needed.

Lucky for me. (seriously)

I had a very spiritual experience on Sunday. Quietly in my dearest friends room as we sat and watched on the laptop cuddled in bed. I got and heard exactly what my little heart needed.

Even during the sessions, instead of putting on a movie, getting distracted by TV, or doing things that don't keep the spirit, we were able to sit and share experiences and letters which helped my soul. The spirit of conference lived, and stayed with me. It didn't leave, and it didn't take for conference and the sweet music to bring it back, it just amplified the feeling even more.

Tears were shed and a light was made in my head.

My most favorite talk was by Richard G Scott.
It struck a certain chord with me. I hope one day that I have a sweet husband that can speak of me like that when I am passed.
I realized very quickly, that no matter the guy I end up marrying, no matter how wonderful a man, in order for those words to be spoken I need to reflect on exactly how I am acting, speaking, and overall being.

I have been through so much in the past. I have a HUGE wall that keeps me nasty, spiteful, harsh, loud and our right obnoxious at times. I want to rid of that completely.

I know that I am very tender, sweet, and  really i am just a ball of slobbery sadness. I act tough, but I very easily get my feelings hurt, then I get mean, because I allowed myself to get hurt and those feelings and insecurities creep in.

I have been very emotional lately...its pretty obvious in my previous posts. I had a phone conversation with my mother today. She said some words that I straight up needed to hear. I got emotionally slapped...it still stings.
As much as I want to think that I am "all that" I'm not.

Like Elder Scott's wife, he couldn't think of one negative thing to say to her. I am pretty positive that anyone can think of something negative to say about me...its true. I don't want to be that snide, too sassy, offensive girl.

Since Sunday, i have heavily thought about this, because I came to this realization..I am 3x more emotional than normal. I feel like there is something wrong with me, like I ate something that makes my eyes tear constantly.

When your heart is sad, when heartache is noticed (not just from a boy) you always turn to the Lord.
Several speakers spoke of turning trials into forces that allow you to draw closer to the Lord, strengthen you and give you the ability to grow spiritually, so you can keep aiming to be the strongest spiritual warrior.

I've decided to change a lot of things in my life to better myself. I wasn'tdoing anything really that needed to be cut, like bad movies, music, or TV ( i don't even watch TV)

I am changing my daily habits, 1st thing when i get to work i get on LDS.org and read a chapter out of the BOM.  I need to do that at home more, really ponder and study the scriptures.
I need to journal a lot more. I only do it when I am sad. Who wants to read a bunch of sad sappy entries? not me! Tell me the good stuff!
My language, I replace words with other words and justify it, if you have to justify anything- then its probably wrong.
I need to do more service. I used to do so much when I lived in Texas- always helping, serving and wholeheartedly giving everything i had (mainly bc i was so unhappy and trying to avoid my real life)
I need to pray a LOT more, not just before bed and when I wake up.
More temple work. A couple months ago I talked to a sister about being a temple worker, I need to follow through on that.
Maintain my own personal hobbies. I started by joining a tennis club (go me) I am bad at it, always thought the little skirts were so cute and I think its a good lasting hobby..I hate running, and the gym gets boring.
Spend more quality time, with quality people. I don't associate with those who are bad influences, but I need to open myself more to those who I can better serve, and those who can better serve me.

.....I'm exhausted. But....I want to be happy, and want people to see the light in me that I think I have. I want to be like Richard G. Scott's wife, the sweet tender little woman who could probably do nothing wrong. I want to be a wonderful daughter of God.

Crush

“To love at all is to be vulnerable.

Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken.

If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket- safe, dark, motionless, airless--it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable.”

c.s. lewis

"I felt it in my bones.

the same bones that are crushing my chest every morning.

i know this will not last forever.

i know i will move on.

i will be ok.

time is a healer.

i have said the same things to my heartsick friends.

but even that makes me sad because that means i will have forgotten.

and right now i don't ever want to forget what this love felt like....

while it lasted.

even if it crushes me"

Couldn't have said it better.
I feel that crush, that wakes you up in the middle of the night, feels like an elephant is sitting on your chest.
I like, a crushed soda can, will eventually mold back into shape..just waiting, and slowly working on the kinks, trying not to cut my fingers on the sharp edges.
-A

Happy Sunday

"Charity is a legacy passed from heart to heart. . . "
President Eyring said, “I wrote down a few lines every day for years. I never missed a day no matter how tired I was or how early I would have to start the next day.
Before I would write, I would ponder this question: “Have I seen the hand of God reaching out to touch us or our children or our family today?”
As I kept at it, something began to happen. As I would cast my mind over the day, I would see evidence of what God had done for one of us that I had not recognized in the busy moments of the day.
As that happened, and it happened often, I realized that trying to remember had allowed God to show me what He had done.
More than gratitude began to grow in my heart. Testimony grew.
I became ever more certain that our Heavenly Father hears and answers prayers. I felt more gratitude for the softening and refining that come because of the Atonement of the Savior Jesus Christ.
And I grew more confident that the Holy Ghost can bring all things to our remembrance—even things we did not notice or pay attention to when they happened. . . . My point is to urge you to find ways to recognize and remember God’s kindness.
It will build our testimonies. . . . Tonight, and tomorrow night, you might pray and ponder, asking the questions: Did God send a message that was just for me? Did I see His hand in my life or the lives of my children? I will do that. And then I will find a way to preserve that memory for the day that I, and those that I love, will need to remember how much God loves us and how much we need Him. I testify that He loves us and blesses us, more than most of us have yet recognized. I know that is true, and it brings me joy to remember Him.”

{Ensign, November 2007}

what do you do when you have the reds AND the blues?

Holly Golightly:

You know those days when you get the mean reds?

Paul Varjak:

The mean reds, you mean like the blues?

Holly Golightly:

No. The blues are because you're getting fat and maybe it's been raining too long, you're just sad that's all. The mean reds are horrible. Suddenly you're afraid and you don't know what you're afraid of. Do you ever get that feeling?

Paul Varjak:

Sure.

Holly Golightly:

Well, when I get it the only thing that does any good is to jump in a cab and go to Tiffany's. Calms me down right away. The quietness and the proud look of it; nothing very bad could happen to you there. If I could find a real-life place that'd make me feel like Tiffany's, then - then I'd buy some furniture and give the cat a name!