Doors.

How comforting it is to know that when one person shuts the door on us, it is only a greater opportunity for us to walk through the door that leads us towards our Father and Savior.

Breathe Again

I wonder when I will breathe again. I feel like its been a long time since I have been able to take a deep breath in, and feel it satisfy my lungs, bring the comfortable oxygen to which my body so badly needs. The oxygen that my mind needs. I obviously breathe, or I wouldn't be here, but in a not literal sense, I'd hope you know what I mean. "Out of breath, I am left hoping someday I'll breathe again."
I find comfort in many small and simple things lately. Like, my ipod. I have an entire play list that is just thunderstorms. I love the sounds of thunder, the cracks, and rumbles. The color of the sky, especially during the day when its dark and almost scary looking. Lately the weather has been exactly that, and I love every minute of it. When the rumble is low and the heat is high you know that there's rain out in the oil black sky. Today I woke up to grey sky's, then by lunch time it was of course sunny..blah! I love when the weather can mimic your mood. I've wanted dark sky's and cold weather now for like 4 months and I got it for only 4 days. It was a beautiful 4 days.

I find comfort in music, like in my last post. I find comfort in sleep. I love the feeling right before you dose off into complete sound sleep..If there was a way to duplicate that feeling unnaturally I would pay for it.

Gum...For some reason lately gum has been what helps me while I am stressed. I have a feeling once this whole ordeal is over I will hate gum. But I eat like 5 pieces a day. The constant popping of bubbles, and cracking them in my mouth..Plus the flavors Ive been eating too. Like wild strawberry + tangy citrus its delicious. The after taste, not so much. (is it bad that i swallow gum, the only kind i swallow is the double bubble yum)

Friends..I've realized through this journey how many great friends I have. They are few, but the relationship has always been there. The understanding and the support. Very comforting. My dearest friend right now, (who's taking me on a wonderful journey) can make me laugh out loud over Instant Messenger. I love her so much. I love even more that we are so alike and I can be soo brutally honest and I know when she says I feel your pain, that she has in fact felt my pain. She has been such a strong support in the midst of my daily routine. She is like my twin I feel. And I will never forget our reunion a couple weeks ago. Being able to just sit with her and feeling like home, and to joke about TTH...hahahaha! But I am very blessed, with great friends. Especially the ones Ive known for 8 years and when i call and say i need help....immediately has my back and is willing to hurt those who have hurt me. Then the friends, who are unexpected- the ones you never thought you would hear their voice, offering support and wisdom while i sob in a Target parking lot. I love friends.

I feel very grateful today. very blessed and very much like I will, one day, breathe again.

Making fortunate discoveries by accident.

Reveal everything there is to know about yourself, and let the chips fall where they may.

Maybe we're lying here because you don't wanna be standing somewhere else.

I I I I I I I I

I'm honest, I think I'm more honest than most people would like. But, I say what I mean and I mean what I say. How in the heck did I end up where i am today? Why...was...I....so...stupid? hmm..while me and my therapist are working on that, lets try to figure this out shall we? I have never pretended to be something I'm not.
I don't like when people lie to me. Especially to my face. I don't like being told one thing, then finding out its the complete opposite.
I don't like being controlled, or manipulated either. yet..I allowed things like this to happen to me. I allowed someone to hurt me, beyond repair it seems sometimes. I allowed someone to hurt me and wreck me and I didn't even notice. I get really angry, like furious, when I remember the past. When I think about situations and that I stayed, or thought I was the reason it happened. I came from a loving family, from such a tender father who i felt so safe with. I rejected all the good guys and went for the bad. Maybe I subconsciously thought i wasn't good enough. When things go bad 2 weeks after the honeymoon..how is it that you can be aware then, but wait three years and snap.. and say that's it I'm done. Then get manipulated and tossed back and forth until you cant even see straight?
What will it take for me to get me back? years and years of therapy- I feel sorry for the poor chap that will ever want to marry me, or for that matter date me.
Im lost, broken, and hurt. I feel i will be this way forever. I am so two sided though- bc the otherside is so knowing of another plan, a more eternal plan. But i feel that if i don't stay angry, and hurt than "he" wins. I hate the feeling of wanting to vomit. I hate it..but i feel it everyday. I want this to be over so badly, to have my name back, to have some part of who i was to be connected to me. Stupid. I was so stupid. I hate myself for falling for what i thought was great. Stupid, for not defending myself. Stupid for allowing what happened, happen. I know I'm smart, i know "shes" in there somewhere, i obviously have something of myself back, because the courage of being able to leave, or let go is much harder than staying.

One day I will be completely fearless. One day I will be able to look fear in the eyes, Ive done it before. i look back on an experience i had recently of feeling so lost, so broken, and literally crying to the lord like i never have before. Hearing "fear not, I created you" I never trust myself. I haven't in a really long time. But i forget why i am here on earth, why Heavenly father allowed me to come here, because he created me, and in a way that i would be part of him and have the ability to trust myself, otherwise what are we doing?? I have learned so much in the past 4 months. I have learned even more in the past 3 years. But it still stings, burns and hurts when i think that another person physically hurt me. more than just once, more than just a few times. and I allowed it. And for that, i wonder...

They'll call me freedom

I hate living in Vegas, mostly the traffic. I work 30 minutes from where i live. I work RIGHT off the strip....I hate the strip, I hate how dirty it is, it actually smells. No exaggeration there. But...yes there is a but...I'm not going to be a negative Nancy. I love listening to music on the way to and from work. Ipods were really a gift from the big guy up top. I looooove being able to have a playlist of random music. I hate radios..HATE!
So this morning on my way to work, with the beautiful sun rising.. I was listening to Men at Work- Down under.. I love that song. I sing it at the top of my lungs. But I also love Dela, I know why the dog howls at the moon...I love weird music (yes I know) Dela reminds me of being in Africa, dancing around with little children. Down under reminds me of my mom, dancing in the car. I have a new fav song, called wavin flags by K'NAAN (say it slow) It was this years world cup soccer theme song. It too reminds me Africa. I want to go to Africa so badly. I research charity organizations all the time where i can go help small communities out there. I will go one day.
But i love music. I love how it can say everything you're feeling at that moment, and bring out feelings you never once knew you had. I used to always think that music was just music and only church music could help you feel the spirit...but that is not true. Rap ain't gonna invite the spirit..but Dela will ;)
I love music.

"I am comforted by the assurance that there will be beautiful music in heaven, and for that I am most grateful." -- President Spencer W. Kimball I love that quote too :) So do as I do, find your favorite song and dance, dance, dance....until you re sweating and your chest hurts ( the song only played 3x before i had to stop, I'm outta shape sheesh!)

Better or Worse?

So we're back here again
Tip toeing round the edge of the end
Wondering who will be last to admit
That we're finally over

Turned twenty one on the day that we met
Terrible shoes and plausible dress
It's funny how sad the funny things get as you grow older

Better or worse
But what else can we do?
And better or worse
I am tethered to you
If it's not either of us
Tell me who are we fooling?

I love the art of biting my tongue
I'm tired of trying to guess what was wrong
Both agreed on where we should go
But not how to get there

We tried and tried to loosen the knots
Thinking once we're untangled we'll be better off
But it's these failures and faults that hold us together

Better or worse
But what else can we do?
And better or worse
I am tethered to you
If it's not either of us
Tell me who are we fooling?

This beautiful tangle that's bruising us blue
It's a beautiful knot that we just can't undo
Together we're one but apart tell me
Who are we fooling?

Cause real love
Is hard love
It's all we have
It's a break-neck
Train wreck
It's all we have

So we're back here again
Turning away from the edge of the end
Arm in arm

Better or worse
But what else can we do?
And better or worse
I am tethered to you
If it's not either of us
Tell me who are we fooling?

This beautiful tangle that's bruising us blue
It's a beautiful knot we just can't undo
If it's not either of us, tell me who are we fooling?

Together we're one, but apart tell me
Who are we fooling?

-Brooke Fraser-

New York State of Mind

I wish I lived in NYC. I was able to visit there in August and it felt like home. I love the smell, sounds, the energy. My trip there was mostly to just get as far away as financially possible with the mom. I wish i was able to enjoy more, but i got a good fill of my city rituals. Shopping, shows, people watching and most importantly..FOOD! Do you ever feel that the life you are living isn't the life you are supposed to be? I feel that a lot lately. I wonder what was really destined for me. If the choices I made were correct- well I know for a fact that some were NOT. Some days I wish so badly that I could look into a crystal ball, and see what would my life be like if i did this..or this..or that. As I walked the streets in NYC I wondered how many of the people who i passed had the same thoughts as me. How many of those people were truly happy? or if they were just born into their lifestyle. You know those music videos where the person is standing still in a midst of people walking by so fast they are just a blur? I didn't feel like that in the city- but I feel like I am one of the people walking so fast that they are a blur, I feel like Ive been going, going, going...and i don't know what I am except a blur.

I could have stayed back east. I wish I had. I went to school hoping to find myself. Be surrounded by those of the same faith. But I ended up being a lemming, only focusing on marriage. Feeling more supreme because I was in "Zion" Truth is, I was better when I was back at home. I had such a strong testimony. I knew who i was. When I moved to Utah I felt I had to live up to "some" standard. I was creative, I was smart, I was me. I feel like when I look in the mirror I don't even know what I see. I don't see me. I see a girl who is so lost. I see a tired, sad face. But I yearn to be happy. I see lost. Have you ever stared in the mirror so long that your face no longer looked like a face, more alien like. I feel like an alien. I feel i am nothing like anyone else. Not that I want to be anyone else. But I am an alien to my own self. I have much hope though. Things work on the Lords time table, not mine. I do know that one day, I will be so happy, and look back on this experience and think, sheesh- that was easy.

Me and my dots

The Websters definition of Dot is :

1. a tiny spot, speck, or mark, esp. one made with or as with a pointed object; as
2. a point used in orthography or punctuation; specif., the mark placed above an i or j in writing or printing
3. Math. a decimal point; also, a point used as a symbol of multiplication
4. Music a point after a note or rest, increasing its time value by one half; also, a point put above or below a note to show that it is staccato
5. any small, round spot: polka dot
6. Telegraphy a short sound or click, as in Morse code

None of these definitions define what I mean when using the term me and my "dots" my definition of dots is when someone says "can you jot that down real quick" well, I have many of times mixed the word jot with dot. So I say "can you dot this down real quick" so that's what I mean when I say Ditters and Dots.
Those of you who do not know what ditters mean, well let me tell you. My sweet mother calls me Ditters, or itty bitty ditters, nick names when I was a child. Want to know the definition of Ditters? :
"1.an evil troll who roams in the ghetto of  galeton and likes to attempt to beat people up, which therefore causes OSS and a bloody nose or 2 4 ditter."
I am an evil troll who roams in the ghetto attempting to beat people up. (thanks mom)

But this kinda makes sense, I am small like a troll, about 5'3 and 100lbs and because I am small i have to be louder than everyone else so that they notice me and by louder I mean I'm mean too.

So my blog will be very mean sometimes because it will be my thoughts and vents and views, and sometimes it will be funny and cute, who knows- all depends on the day I will have.

Enjoy!