Breathe Again

I wonder when I will breathe again. I feel like its been a long time since I have been able to take a deep breath in, and feel it satisfy my lungs, bring the comfortable oxygen to which my body so badly needs. The oxygen that my mind needs. I obviously breathe, or I wouldn't be here, but in a not literal sense, I'd hope you know what I mean. "Out of breath, I am left hoping someday I'll breathe again."
I find comfort in many small and simple things lately. Like, my ipod. I have an entire play list that is just thunderstorms. I love the sounds of thunder, the cracks, and rumbles. The color of the sky, especially during the day when its dark and almost scary looking. Lately the weather has been exactly that, and I love every minute of it. When the rumble is low and the heat is high you know that there's rain out in the oil black sky. Today I woke up to grey sky's, then by lunch time it was of course sunny..blah! I love when the weather can mimic your mood. I've wanted dark sky's and cold weather now for like 4 months and I got it for only 4 days. It was a beautiful 4 days.

I find comfort in music, like in my last post. I find comfort in sleep. I love the feeling right before you dose off into complete sound sleep..If there was a way to duplicate that feeling unnaturally I would pay for it.

Gum...For some reason lately gum has been what helps me while I am stressed. I have a feeling once this whole ordeal is over I will hate gum. But I eat like 5 pieces a day. The constant popping of bubbles, and cracking them in my mouth..Plus the flavors Ive been eating too. Like wild strawberry + tangy citrus its delicious. The after taste, not so much. (is it bad that i swallow gum, the only kind i swallow is the double bubble yum)

Friends..I've realized through this journey how many great friends I have. They are few, but the relationship has always been there. The understanding and the support. Very comforting. My dearest friend right now, (who's taking me on a wonderful journey) can make me laugh out loud over Instant Messenger. I love her so much. I love even more that we are so alike and I can be soo brutally honest and I know when she says I feel your pain, that she has in fact felt my pain. She has been such a strong support in the midst of my daily routine. She is like my twin I feel. And I will never forget our reunion a couple weeks ago. Being able to just sit with her and feeling like home, and to joke about TTH...hahahaha! But I am very blessed, with great friends. Especially the ones Ive known for 8 years and when i call and say i need help....immediately has my back and is willing to hurt those who have hurt me. Then the friends, who are unexpected- the ones you never thought you would hear their voice, offering support and wisdom while i sob in a Target parking lot. I love friends.

I feel very grateful today. very blessed and very much like I will, one day, breathe again.