How damaged am I? I never thought I was damaged goods.
I felt I was supremely strong, going through what I have gone through, and coming out on top.
I had a break down last night. Feeling and making sense of something that seemed completely insignificant. Something that I have never put thought into. But when the realization came, complete sense was made.
My image of myself I know has always been a little skewed. Not to blame anyone in particular, but you probably know why.
Feeling like I always have to look like a beauty queen, never without makeup, never without 2 hours worth of work in order to look socially acceptable.
I am pretty messed up. I don’t like it. I don’t like feeling the way I do about myself sometimes. I don’t like what I see when I look in the mirror. I don’t like that I was tore to shreds about my physical appearance for as long as I did. I don’t like even more that I believed it.
I thought I was really strong. I thought I was smarter. I feel brainwashed. But I have a lot of blame in it to. I didn’t stand up for myself. I tried to appease, and ended up still losing.
I want someone to love me. I want someone to care for me. Not my hair, or shoes, or made up face. I want to not feel insecure when I don’t have makeup on. I want to feel confident when I am wearing sweats, and messed up hair. I want to love myself even more though.
The most important thing of all of this is, I know Heavenly Father loves me for me, no makeup, high heels, or big hair. That is probably why I am not an emotional basket case. His opinion matters most to me. As long as I hold strong to that, I’m sure I’ll make it out on top….Right? J
