How damaged am I? I never thought I was damaged goods.
I felt I was supremely strong, going through what I have gone through, and coming out on top.
I had a break down last night. Feeling and making sense of something that seemed completely insignificant. Something that I have never put thought into. But when the realization came, complete sense was made.
My image of myself I know has always been a little skewed. Not to blame anyone in particular, but you probably know why.
Feeling like I always have to look like a beauty queen, never without makeup, never without 2 hours worth of work in order to look socially acceptable.
I am pretty messed up. I don’t like it. I don’t like feeling the way I do about myself sometimes. I don’t like what I see when I look in the mirror. I don’t like that I was tore to shreds about my physical appearance for as long as I did. I don’t like even more that I believed it.
I thought I was really strong. I thought I was smarter. I feel brainwashed. But I have a lot of blame in it to. I didn’t stand up for myself. I tried to appease, and ended up still losing.
I want someone to love me. I want someone to care for me. Not my hair, or shoes, or made up face. I want to not feel insecure when I don’t have makeup on. I want to feel confident when I am wearing sweats, and messed up hair. I want to love myself even more though.
The most important thing of all of this is, I know Heavenly Father loves me for me, no makeup, high heels, or big hair. That is probably why I am not an emotional basket case. His opinion matters most to me. As long as I hold strong to that, I’m sure I’ll make it out on top….Right? J
I love this post. It also doesn't matter what God thinks of us if we don't believe Him. You gotta see yourself that way too! I used to have a quote on my mirror in highschool that was a pic of Jesus and he said "The greatest gift I could ever give you is if you could see yourself the way I do!"
ReplyDeleteI have always tried to learn how to do that, and fail alot. But we'll get there you and I! We're tough little cookies!
Love you tons, and makeup or not, you're one little head turner missy!
Jeez, I sound like a creepy old man!
Love you!
I have that quote on a pic of Jesus too Lana! You can never feel bad after reading it. In fact I had a therapist who made me visualize what it was like being in Jesus' shoes. It was an eye opening experience. Anyhow, Alia Pia. Positive affirmation is the only thing that helps me. I am my number one fan, eventually you start to believe yourself;). You are so cute, I can picture you in your glasses, with a bun on top of head, in your navy sweatshirt and black pants....shame on anyone for making you feel anything less than beautiful.
ReplyDeletethis reminds me of the book about Ponchinello and the stickers. We shouldn't care what anyone but our maker thinks. Thanks for the reminder, it helps to put things into perspective.
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