New York State of Mind

I wish I lived in NYC. I was able to visit there in August and it felt like home. I love the smell, sounds, the energy. My trip there was mostly to just get as far away as financially possible with the mom. I wish i was able to enjoy more, but i got a good fill of my city rituals. Shopping, shows, people watching and most importantly..FOOD! Do you ever feel that the life you are living isn't the life you are supposed to be? I feel that a lot lately. I wonder what was really destined for me. If the choices I made were correct- well I know for a fact that some were NOT. Some days I wish so badly that I could look into a crystal ball, and see what would my life be like if i did this..or this..or that. As I walked the streets in NYC I wondered how many of the people who i passed had the same thoughts as me. How many of those people were truly happy? or if they were just born into their lifestyle. You know those music videos where the person is standing still in a midst of people walking by so fast they are just a blur? I didn't feel like that in the city- but I feel like I am one of the people walking so fast that they are a blur, I feel like Ive been going, going, going...and i don't know what I am except a blur.

I could have stayed back east. I wish I had. I went to school hoping to find myself. Be surrounded by those of the same faith. But I ended up being a lemming, only focusing on marriage. Feeling more supreme because I was in "Zion" Truth is, I was better when I was back at home. I had such a strong testimony. I knew who i was. When I moved to Utah I felt I had to live up to "some" standard. I was creative, I was smart, I was me. I feel like when I look in the mirror I don't even know what I see. I don't see me. I see a girl who is so lost. I see a tired, sad face. But I yearn to be happy. I see lost. Have you ever stared in the mirror so long that your face no longer looked like a face, more alien like. I feel like an alien. I feel i am nothing like anyone else. Not that I want to be anyone else. But I am an alien to my own self. I have much hope though. Things work on the Lords time table, not mine. I do know that one day, I will be so happy, and look back on this experience and think, sheesh- that was easy.