I I I I I I I I

I'm honest, I think I'm more honest than most people would like. But, I say what I mean and I mean what I say. How in the heck did I end up where i am today? Why...was...I....so...stupid? hmm..while me and my therapist are working on that, lets try to figure this out shall we? I have never pretended to be something I'm not.
I don't like when people lie to me. Especially to my face. I don't like being told one thing, then finding out its the complete opposite.
I don't like being controlled, or manipulated either. yet..I allowed things like this to happen to me. I allowed someone to hurt me, beyond repair it seems sometimes. I allowed someone to hurt me and wreck me and I didn't even notice. I get really angry, like furious, when I remember the past. When I think about situations and that I stayed, or thought I was the reason it happened. I came from a loving family, from such a tender father who i felt so safe with. I rejected all the good guys and went for the bad. Maybe I subconsciously thought i wasn't good enough. When things go bad 2 weeks after the honeymoon..how is it that you can be aware then, but wait three years and snap.. and say that's it I'm done. Then get manipulated and tossed back and forth until you cant even see straight?
What will it take for me to get me back? years and years of therapy- I feel sorry for the poor chap that will ever want to marry me, or for that matter date me.
Im lost, broken, and hurt. I feel i will be this way forever. I am so two sided though- bc the otherside is so knowing of another plan, a more eternal plan. But i feel that if i don't stay angry, and hurt than "he" wins. I hate the feeling of wanting to vomit. I hate it..but i feel it everyday. I want this to be over so badly, to have my name back, to have some part of who i was to be connected to me. Stupid. I was so stupid. I hate myself for falling for what i thought was great. Stupid, for not defending myself. Stupid for allowing what happened, happen. I know I'm smart, i know "shes" in there somewhere, i obviously have something of myself back, because the courage of being able to leave, or let go is much harder than staying.

One day I will be completely fearless. One day I will be able to look fear in the eyes, Ive done it before. i look back on an experience i had recently of feeling so lost, so broken, and literally crying to the lord like i never have before. Hearing "fear not, I created you" I never trust myself. I haven't in a really long time. But i forget why i am here on earth, why Heavenly father allowed me to come here, because he created me, and in a way that i would be part of him and have the ability to trust myself, otherwise what are we doing?? I have learned so much in the past 4 months. I have learned even more in the past 3 years. But it still stings, burns and hurts when i think that another person physically hurt me. more than just once, more than just a few times. and I allowed it. And for that, i wonder...