Beautiful Spirit

I came across this scripture: 2Nephi 13:16-25

“Because the daughters of Zion are haughty, and walk with stretched-forth necks and wanton eyes, walking and mincing as they go and making a tinkling with their feet- Therefore the Lord will smite with a scab the crown of the head of the daughters of Zion, and the Lord will discover their secret parts.”

The daughters of Zion are cursed and tormented for their worldliness

This stuck out to me because of a blog post I made a while ago.. A revelation I had one Sunday during Sacrament about a year ago.

I have to wrack my brain because I deleted that blog and it was a great post.

It isn’t hard for most people in life to get “caught” up in the temporal joys of life. We are taught not to have any other Gods..yet- we all do it..in small ways. Like making you’re career more important than Heavenly Father, or your lifestyle, money, hobbies, sports etc. Not to say that anyone who does this is a bad person..we are the natural man. We will all do this to an extent probably several times for a short instance throughout our lives.

That Sunday, I sat in sacrament thinking of myself. How I was progressing. I remember being frustrated. Wanting a lot more. My marriage at the time had barely any spiritual or physical progression. My testimony was still strong. It always has been. But I was left feeling like I hadn’t accomplished much. When you get married you have this wonderful encompassing thought that your life is going to skyrocket spiritually, emotionally, and what not. You found your eternal companion, things are going to be easier. There are two of you now. There is someone to lean on when you feel a little weak, or self trodden. You have that eternal perspective in all things.

For me, I got very little of this. I felt a lot of the times I had to pull the weight. Be the constant reminder. Want more to gain a little. It was very frustrating.

As I sat  I thought.. "what does my spirit look like?"

It’s a weird thought to have.

When I look in the mirror I can see how well I take care of myself physically. My hair is done, I have nice expensive makeup, really nice clothes, top of line shoes ;) I use the best skin care products, and the BEST cosmetics. I work out regularly. I keep my skin balanced and moisturized..I can go on and on with how much effort I put into my appearance so that I am appealing to those around me.

So, I am wondering, how much effort do I put into my spirit being.

If I had to look at her in the mirror, would her hair be dry and brittle, with dry flaky skin, pudgy and soft because lack of exercise? Sad and miserable looking?

Sadly at the time. It was probably exactly that description.

I don’t want to be looked at as haughty and stretched forth. I want my physical appearance to match my spiritual appearance.

I started to read the Book of Mormon again.. all the way through is my goal. I forgot how great it feels to read it. Its like you cant stop, you want to keep going and going until all the stories are finished.

I want to be spiritually fed everyday again. Not just once a week from church.

Do we respond to His beckoning call to serve and be fed at His hand?

Our spiritual progression in life is the most important.

Not getting the nicest jeans, or the perfect hair color. But gaining a knowledge of the gospel which can help you in the life hereafter to continue to do the Lords work.

Temporal mindset can be like poison. It is fun, and easy, and of the moment. We often lack the eternal prospective of things. Our society makes everything accessible “right now” Its getting much worse too.

I fear for the lessons I will have to learn in order to teach my children of the importance of having an eternal prospective.

“Seek not for riches but for wisdom, and behold, the mysteries of God shall be unfolded unto you, and then shall you be made rich. Behold, he that hath eternal life is rich.” (D&C 6:7.)

I know personally I face challenges of being able to develop sufficient wisdom. That understanding and inner strength so that I can live happily and successful in such a world where I don’t get mixed up with worldly treasures.

I don’t think today my spiritual image is as bad as I think it is. Though she probably needs her hair done and a manicure. She’s on the right path.

I went through so much personal reflection with the Divorce. Learning how to control the anger. The hatred that Satan so badly wanted me to hold on to. The poisonous drag of contention. It was really hard. I know that I held strong to the Savior. It was my only hope.
One day I will teach my children of the lessons I learned. How amazingly possible all things are with the knowledge of the gospel and the power of the priesthood.

I try to make sure that I don’t get too caught up in the worldly treasures. Most girls cant help it though, we are like crows and flock to anything sparkly. Just as long as our entire nest isn’t filled with sparkles and shiny things… we should be alright.

The church is true, and cool. I love it, and always will.

I am always reminded how much I am not effected by the worlds “view” on our church. My patriarchal blessing says  “there are many who speak against the church, many who will try to drive you away, but you will not be effected by this, for you know the truthfulness and love of the church” –eh something like that.

Keep it simple. Love the gospel..always!

And don’t let your spirit get ugly.

OrGaNiZeD

I am overly organized. Most people who know me personally, are very aware of this wonderful flaw.
I do have my moments of chaos. Its rare, and usually is in my room or car.
But over all I organize everything. The way my clothes and shoes are, to how the papers on my desk are arranged
More importantly my thoughts.
Have you ever had a mind full of un-organized thoughts?
Some that need to be stored away high in a box where you can go back to it randomly and slowly work it down to where it no longer exists. Some that are so stupid you put in the garbage can within seconds.
Then the thoughts in the foremost of your brain that clutter everything up and need to be taken care of right away but you know will take time....
Thoughts can be very destructive. Your mind can derail you from exploring the actual possibility of purpose.
I visualize the thoughts in my head like one of those old school shoe organizers with all the small boxes that fit the shoes if they are stacked.. like the pic below.
The thoughts are all scattered on the floor.. the most important ones that get most attention and figured out get put away in the top and then continue from there.
Feelings are the hardest thoughts. Trying to separate what you feel, and what you think you feel, and what your thoughts make your feel.
Very confusing
There are some thoughts that no matter how many times you clean it up and put it away, it falls out of place and scatters its self all along the floor. Stumbling across it and tripping, getting frustrated “I just cleaned this place up, how is it a mess again?”
If I had a mental vacuum and could just suck all the mess away and never have to “think” about it again would be just great.
Sadly I have to pick up everything one at a time. Put it where it belongs, and move on to the next one that comes…
Clear your head, clean it up, and make room for the best and most important thoughts

Beauty Queen

How damaged am I? I never thought I was damaged goods.

I felt I was supremely strong, going through what I have gone through, and coming out on top.

I had a break down last night. Feeling and making sense of something that seemed completely insignificant. Something that I have never put thought into. But when the realization came, complete sense was made.

My image of myself I know has always been a little skewed. Not to blame anyone in particular, but you probably know why.

Feeling like I always have to look like a beauty queen, never without makeup, never without 2 hours worth of work in order to look socially acceptable.

I am pretty messed up. I don’t like it. I don’t like feeling the way I do about myself sometimes. I don’t like what I see when I look in the mirror. I don’t like that I was tore to shreds about my physical appearance for as long as I did. I don’t like even more that I believed it.

I thought I was really strong. I thought I was smarter. I feel brainwashed. But I have a lot of blame in it to. I didn’t stand up for myself. I tried to appease, and ended up still losing. 

I want someone to love me. I want someone to care for me. Not my hair, or shoes, or made up face. I want to not feel insecure when I don’t have makeup on. I want to feel confident when I am wearing sweats, and messed up hair. I want to love myself even more though.

The most important thing of all of this is, I know Heavenly Father loves me for me, no makeup, high heels, or big hair. That is probably why I am not an emotional basket case. His opinion matters most to me. As long as I hold strong to that, I’m sure I’ll make it out on top….Right? J

Want

I want you. But I don't think you want me.
I always seem to be in this position. Wanting something we cannot have.
It is the never ending game I play in my life.
Many of us want things we ultimately cannot have. Like keeping up with the Jone's theory. It can be a rather vicious cycle, or a goal aiming successful idea.
I don't exactly know how it feels to get what i want, when I want it.
This isn't about an expensive pair of shoes that I have to have and will only wear once. This is so much more. I cannot exactly describe it to you. So interpret how you may.

At 1st I didn't want you. I passed you by like you were just another of the same ol'. Then one day, I saw you in a different light. My mind from then wouldn't let you go. I dream about you. I stalk you daily. I think about what my life would be with you in it.
You have no idea.
You cannot even comprehend how badly I want you. I don't understand why I want you so much. I don't know every detail about you. Just the few things that I do know, seem important enough to just fall away and never go back to anything else .
I learn bits and pieces more and more lately, and its like a door opened and it has been exactly what Ive wanted for the past 8 years of my life.

I know you have no idea. I didn't expect this to happen. Like I said, when I 1st got word of who you were, I said no.

To have you all the time, seems like happiness.
This is an unexpected twist.

I swore on everything I own, that I wouldn't do this.
But I cannot resist.
I am sure part of me is just fantasizing about unrealistic hopes and wants.
I feel though, that part of me has a complete understanding that as soon as I get you, I will never let you go.
That scares me.

P.s. None of you will ever guess what I am referring too

Say it outloud

I know most of this blog sounds like whining and complaining. I frankly don’t really care. I write this for me, but allow many to read- those close to me, to get a better understanding of the emotions I am going through. Seems they are mostly negative, and sad. But that’s mostly what I am going through.

2011 is almost here, Everyone makes these new years resolutions. I never did that, but I do have a list of what I want to do this year

Learn Italian

Take a Ballet Class

Jump out of a plane (and use a parachute)

Run a 5k

Save 5,000 $

Go to Hawaii

Play the Piano more

Read more books

Study more

get out of the country again (preferably Italy, Africa, or Spain)

Get really good at Yoga

Put my toes in the sand in California

Visit my family in Arizona and Austin at least once every 2-3 months

Be a better friend

Learn how to be more confident

Read the BOM all the way through

Go to the spa once a month

Cook more (everyday)

Visit NYC by fall

Go horseback riding

Sing in church

Train myself to wake up early

Work out more

Say yes more

Volunteer

Looks like I will busy this year. Make sure if you want to spend time with me, you make an appointment.

The road goes ever on and on

"How do you pick up the threads of an old life? How do you go on, when in your heart, you begin to understand, there is no going back? There are some things that time cannot mend. Some hurts that go too deep…that have taken hold. "


Starting a new year and thinking of how the next one is going to be strikes a certain fear in ones mind. 


I am very optimistic about my future. I have many fears, but I understand my fears. Taking in a deep breath. Filling my soul with the new life. 


Picking up the threads of my past life is not possible. It amazes me the changes I have made, and continually make. 


I cannot take credit for the good things and changes that have happened in my life. I have literally thrown myself to the Lord and told him I will go where you want me to go. I am still uncertain of the places I will be going or where I will end up. But I have ever increasing faith that I will be OK. 


The new road to which I have not yet traveled is scary-exciting.  


How do you pick up the threads of a past life? In my position, you don't. You leave them behind, you do not look back, you only remember what was past. You take new threads and spin them into your new future. It will be hard, take a long time, but once you are done....it will be worth all the fight. 

Terms

Take a deep breath. Don't close your eyes. Don't think.

Remember. Always remember. Don't forget.

Feel the pain. Forget the feel.

Cry. Cry. Cry. Stop.

You are never alone.

Don't forget.

Face the reality. Learn. Move on.

Don't look back, except when needed.

Blessings will come. Patience is key.

Love yourself. Love others. Love.

Come to terms.

The terms are set.